What I didn’t realize she was doing for me and my MS
With my daughter, I could handle jewelry, buttons, and balance; without her?
My youngest child is home from college for the summer. She had a fantastic freshman year, or as I tell others, “She’s living her best life.”
I missed her this past year in so many ways. She never went through the “bad” teenage years. She actually enjoys spending time with her mother. I feel extremely lucky to have such a wonderful daughter; she’s always been caring and thoughtful, with a strong desire to help others.
I tried to shield my children from my illness, multiple sclerosis (MS). No matter how tired I was because of my MS, I always showed up for of their events — baseball games, soccer games, football games, softball games, swim meets, band concerts, awards ceremonies, and everything else. It was a challenge, but I don’t regret any of it. I also tried not to let my children serve in a caregiver role. I didn’t want to be a burden or let my MS interfere with their lives.
How my daughter helped
I struggle to put on jewelry, including earrings, necklaces, and bracelets. I’ve lost some of the feeling and dexterity in my fingers, which makes this task extremely difficult. When my daughter was home, she frequently helped me with it. When she left for college, I lost her help and struggled with this simple task, which was frustrating and time-consuming to perform.
I did find alternate solutions, such as attaching magnetic clasps to all my necklaces, asking my husband for assistance with bracelets, and buying a pair of “neutral” earrings for my second ear piercing, which doesn’t require me to change them out depending on whether I’m wearing gold or silver.
Buttons and hooks on the back of clothing are my nemesis. The effect MS has on my hands makes this step extremely difficult. But my daughter was always the one to help.
One morning after she’d left for college, I wasn’t able to complete getting dressed for work because of the dreaded button. I took off the garment to button it before dressing again, but it wouldn’t slip over my head. My husband had left for work, so he wasn’t able to help. I was determined to wear this dress and thus wore it unbuttoned to work, where I asked a colleague to help me.
That evening, I went through my closet and buttoned or hooked all pieces of clothing while they were on a hanger. If I couldn’t then slip them over my head, they were donated.
Anytime I dropped something, my daughter always picked it up. I never asked her to do that for me, as I can pick up dropped items myself, but I never realized how much stuff I dropped because of my MS until she left for college and I was the one picking everything up.
My balance is one of my most troubling symptoms, especially when walking on uneven surfaces or in the dark. My daughter always warned me about potential pitfalls in my way. She’d always let me know if there was a curb or step coming up, holes in the ground, or a slippery surface. She’d grab my hand when going downstairs. She always noticed when I was in a situation that particularly challenged my balance, and she’d link arms with me to help.
I thought I was pretty successful at not allowing my children to serve as a caregiver for me until my daughter left for college, and then I realized all she did to assist with my daily difficulties of living with MS. These were little things that I just took for granted until she was gone.
She’s now decided to pursue a healthcare degree that involves caregiving, so I’m hopeful that her efforts for me didn’t have a negative impact on her.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
About the Author
Ian R
Thanks for this article.
I was dx when my children were 2 and 4 (they are now 25 and 23). Like you I tried to shield them from my MS. I never sat them down to discuss it. I worked for 13 years before I took early retirement. We had all the usual holiday etc. it wasn’t until the oldest was at Uni that I started using a hiking pole. In the last couple of years I started using a crutch outside the house. I don’t regret not sitting the children down. MS does shorten lives (by c.8-10 hears) and many do end up in wheelchairs. I couldn’t see the point in scaring young children. I don’t regret my decision at all. But it does make me think about the future - walking my daughter down the aisle, helping out with future grandchildren. I may not get these chances or they will be very diminished. A curl disease.
Kris
Great post. Thank you for sharing.
Mary Ellen Miller
I loved this article, because I have no daughters, only sons. Between them and my husband, they don’t “get” any of this—helping with jewelry, knowing how to link arms, picking things up. Reading all these things we need help with makes me feel less alone. And also what I’ve naturally had to give up over the years. Make-up, earrings, only shirts that go over my head and no buttons! For years I have made those changes without realizing it.
Terry
Your column brought tears to my eyes. I have a daughter like this. She’s a full-grown woman now. I miss her, but seeing her live her life brings so much joy. I am certain your MS did not harm your daughter in any way. Who knows, maybe the complete opposite. Sending my best to you both.
Jay Edwardson
On the contrary, helping to care for you helped your daughter identify her passion for helping others and perhaps this is her calling.
Joyce Thebarge
Thank you for writing your article. I like reading about how people continue to do life with MS or any disease for that matter. I think it sounds like God has gifted your daughter with a helping gift that may have been nurtured by having you for a mother. I think that is a very good thing. She understands ? empathy and other caring aspects of life from a real life experience that some caregivers just never get in the same way. Just my thought. I do not have MS myself but I have a grown daughter who does. I have cobwebs but try and pray and put them in His hands. She seems to be doing well. But, I never really know 😊❤️