People with MS mustn’t let living vicariously turn into jealousy

I tend to be a pretty reserved guy. I don’t yell myself hoarse at my children’s sporting events or shout advice to athletes that I happen to be watching live or on TV. I don’t scream, “Look behind you!” or “Don’t go in there!” to characters in a movie either. I’m very involved in their plight, but I mutter the advice instead of shouting it. I guess I’m still living vicariously through them. I just do it quietly.

Like everyone else, I have had plenty of people I looked up to and wanted to be. I think, as a child, I spent a lot of time wanting to be a superhero or live the life of a movie character. As I got older, this shifted to wanting to imitate more real people in my life who had admirable qualities. I still do, but multiple sclerosis (MS) keeps moving my goals. Because of MS, instead of adventurers, I find myself just wanting to have the life of someone who can stand up for longer than one minute.

The idea of living vicariously through someone else and experiencing life through their actions sometimes carries notions of jealousy and envy. Jealousy seems to be based in fear, specifically that of losing something that you already possess. Envy, on the other hand, is the desire for something someone else has. I’m guilty of using those terms interchangeably, but now I’ll venture the opinion that jealousy is not good, while envy can be.

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For instance, I might envy a good personality trait, an ability, or a skill someone else has. If that envy motivates me to better myself, then it’s a good thing. In the world of MS, I’ve met so many people who have traits I envy and want to imitate. It’s weird to think that I want to live vicariously through someone else with this disease, but wanting to have that same mixture of vulnerability and resilience is the good kind of envy in my mind.

The opposite side of that coin is jealousy, or envy that comes with a not-so-healthy dose of resentment. This can make me feel angry or inadequate. Instead of enjoying and celebrating others’ victories and achievements, if I experience the negative side of those feelings, I may just want to hold on tightly to what I think I might lose and never experience anything.

It’s OK to escape from reality sometimes

I completely understand the importance of staying grounded in reality, but I see the benefit in escaping from it sometimes into a little healthy fantasy. Living vicariously through my own children can be a healthy escape if I’m enjoying their lives with them. That means they would have to be enjoying their lives as well. If I’m just pushing them to do things I would like to do, or once was able to do, then it’s detrimental to all of us.

I’m sometimes even a little envious of my past self. That guy who used to walk with a limp and hide his cane in pictures is someone I would actually like to be now. It’s strange how I can be jealous or envious of myself, but this is a strange disease. I’m not going to pretend that the past didn’t happen just because my present did, so long as I don’t begin to resent the past or try to dwell on it.

I even understand the antithesis of envy. People who are dealing with a limp, much less people without MS, should look at me and be glad that they’re not dealing with these things. Naturally, I’d rather they kept that to themselves, but it’s OK with me if anyone feels that way. I’ve looked and I don’t think the word for the reverse of envy has been coined yet, so I think I’ll just call it anti-envy. Just like the regular kind, it can have a bad side, too. You can feel relieved that you’re not me without looking down on me.

Maybe that’s both the goal and the line not to cross. I can escape into someone else’s life sometimes without losing sight of the reality of mine. A life with MS is definitely one that anyone would want to escape from, but it’s my life and I have to remember to acknowledge it and stay involved in it. MS doesn’t always make that easy, but it doesn’t make anything easy, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise.

My children go back to school next week. I’m 50 years old and still have the occasional dream that I’m late for a class or woefully unprepared for one. I guess that’s one part of their lives I’m not envious of and don’t want to experience vicariously.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.