When it comes to fight or flight, MS has made me flightless

At a recent social gathering, my military career came up, including the more than 100 parachute jumps I’ve done in my life. As usual, someone remarked that I must have enjoyed parachuting, and I had to say that I didn’t because I was actually afraid of heights.

That brought the response that if I was after an adrenaline rush, I could’ve gotten scared by something as simple as a movie instead. I replied that after a parachute drop, I didn’t have to sleep with the lights on, wondering if an airplane was hiding in my closet. A scary movie wasn’t the gateway to anything else I wanted to do in the Army.

I do sometimes wonder if I might’ve been looking for a rush after all. I’ve always been described as being calm, cool under pressure, and having one mood all the time. If that’s true, then seeking extreme sensory input would make sense, but I don’t think I was ever a classic adrenaline junkie.

I’m not sure if I was after the excitement of fight or flight, or the blissful calm of the parasympathetic rebound that followed it. What I do know is that since multiple sclerosis (MS) made me flightless, I’ve had to seek it in increasingly creative ways.

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Searching for a thrill

I’m not saying that I’ve got it all figured out now, but in the first years after my diagnosis, I wasn’t good at finding new ways to stimulate myself. Understandable, considering my background, but it was frustrating to say the least, and I voiced that frustration entirely too much. That’s not an excuse, but of all the struggles that MS makes you accommodate, I never thought that a difficult search for stimulation would be on the list.

Before I retired from the Army, I moved into using deadlines to get a rush. As I finished my career behind a desk, I’d often wait until the last minute to finish a task just so I could feel that I’d pulled it off. I even began to multitask activities that, unlike preparing a multicourse meal, didn’t need to be attempted all at once. Trying to do multiple mundane tasks all at once added an element of stress, which wasn’t the healthiest way to raise my pulse rate, but it worked.

Multiple sclerosis didn’t just make me flightless, it also made me fightless, or much less prone to fight. I don’t mean physical or verbal conflict, or even aggression; just that I was less able to combat or easily escape risk. The desire to create or seek out risk paired with the inability to deal with it is a bad combination. I found a little risk was always worth taking because it provided the stimulation I was after. The problem is, I prefer to control and mitigate the risks I take, and MS can make being in control difficult or impossible.

Having limited mobility, inconsistent eyesight, poor balance, and any of my other MS symptoms has made health, personal safety, and the safety of others into benefits that should never be risked. I’m guilty of that in the past, and I’m haunted by what looking for a rush could’ve allowed to happen.

I’m not sure if it’s the adrenaline rush of my sympathetic nervous system or the euphoria of my parasympathetic that I’m trying to obtain. I was looking for stimulation long before I knew I had multiple sclerosis, but these days, it feels as though I’m permanently stuck in one extreme or the other. All the time I seem to be either overstimulated or dealing with extreme fatigue.

Autonomic dysfunction (dysautonomia) is common in MS, but I haven’t been given or seriously sought out that diagnosis yet. I’m not implying that I could diagnose myself, or that I’m remotely qualified to do it. As with any number of symptoms of this disease, there isn’t a fix anyway. It comes down to managing my symptoms, which my healthcare team and I do as best we can.

I still look for ways to get excitement in my life, although parenthood takes care of that in ways remarkably similar to my work in the Army’s Special Forces. For any further excitement, the best source is my MS peer group, which no one ever wants to be part of.

Do you also seek out excitement and stimulation in your life with multiple sclerosis? What are some of the ways that you do? Please share them in the comments below.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.