Here’s What Our Alternative Valentine’s Day Is Like With MS

Ah, timing.

It was early Saturday afternoon on Feb. 13, and my wife, Jane, had just flushed the toilet for me. The doorbell rang — my flowers had arrived. An early romantic gesture.

On the morning of Valentine’s Day, Jane countered with hers, a bottle of Laphroaig Quarter Cask Scotch whisky, one of my faves. I was in bed, and my bottom had already exploded, resulting in damage that had to be dealt with.

It was my own fault. After a year and a half of delay, I finally started the daily discipline of using my anal catheter. The results have been life-changing. I no longer need to be transferred onto my commode sometime during the day, which requires a family member to hang around.

We are, ahem, relieved!

However, getting the procedure right is important, and it’s easy to misjudge. Unfortunately, this Valentine’s weekend, I misjudged on both days. It wasn’t the weekend I had wanted to write about.

In the U.K., we are in lockdown, so all of our valentine days are the same. Sure, takeout food places did a roaring trade, but Jane decided to cook for our son and me.

She raised her glass and wished us a happy Valentine’s Day, adding that she “loved us both.”

Whisky and flowers make a harmonious Valentine’s Day. (Photo by John Connor)

I really didn’t deserve such an honor, as three days later, I really can’t remember what Jane cooked. I’m not such a fool to ask her. Luckily, long ago she gave up reading my column, except when I’m particularly pleased with it and I read it to her. I won’t be doing that this time.

Possibly a stir fry with noodles?

I really am a bad husband.

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