Before my MS diagnosis, I was a paratrooper, fluttering and oblivious
It took someone else seeing my problems to make me aware of them
Due to my uneasiness with heights, I complained a lot about parachuting throughout my career in the U.S. Army. There’s a small chance, however, that I haven’t been entirely fair.
Sure, I was afraid every time, made some less-than-stellar landings, and sustained a few injuries, but those were really my fault. In all that time, I only had one equipment malfunction, and it hardly counts because everything eventually worked out all right.
It may seem odd to draw parallels between my multiple sclerosis (MS) and that experience, but if you’ve been reading my column, you know I’m going to attempt to do it anyway.
One September, following a very long flight, my fellow Rangers and I made a jump into the Kalahari Desert in Botswana. On a static line jump, you exit the aircraft and count off four seconds, at which point your main parachute should open. Mine didn’t, but I didn’t know, because on that particular occasion, I had forgotten to count.
Still up in the air
I didn’t count on MS either. When I started having symptoms, MS was the furthest thing from my mind, and I explored every other option to explain them before I ever considered it. I had no family history of the disease and knew only one person with it, so, like the parachute not opening, it was a complete surprise to me. I imagine that it’s the same for most people.
Obviously, my main parachute did eventually unravel itself and open. After landing, someone ran over to see if I was OK. When I said I was, they told me that they were already under their parachute when they saw me flutter past with mine twisted into what we called a streamer. I, of course, was oblivious, and thankfully so, because if I had known, I would have panicked.
It took someone else noticing the effects that MS was having on me to bring my attention to it, too. I suppose I knew something was wrong, but just like my fellow paratrooper diagnosing my parachute malfunction, it took my wife, family, and friends to lead me toward an MS diagnosis.
What would have happened if I’d remembered to count to four after leaving the airplane? I probably would have been completely terrified, and I hope I would’ve remembered to pull the handle of my reserve parachute. My main did deploy, so that wouldn’t have helped and could have even complicated my landing more than it already was. It’s a moot point because, although I was starting to second-guess if more than four seconds had actually passed, I never knew what was going on.
Would anything be different now if I’d been diagnosed with MS earlier than I was? I shouldn’t ask that question, but I often do. At the time, there wasn’t anything for primary progressive MS except off-label treatments, so I don’t know if knowing earlier would have led to anything except anxiety. I suppose it’s also a moot point, but I can’t help but wonder.
After the parachute incident, I wondered if there was anything that could have prevented it. There was a delay, but the parachute opened, so it certainly wasn’t the packer’s fault, or the jump master’s, who inspected me on the plane. Other than forgetting to count, it wasn’t even my own fault, but I would have really liked to have had someone to blame.
It was like that with MS, too. I don’t know how many times I asked myself what I did, or what I might have been exposed to that triggered this. I guess it’s human, or maybe just my nature, to want to know why, but it doesn’t help if that curiosity turns into an angry hunt for someone or something to blame.
When my parachute finally opened, I hit the ground hard, with my rucksack still attached, since there hadn’t been time to lower it. It wasn’t my best landing, but since I was able to walk away from it, it was still a good one, all things considered.
I don’t know what kind of landing I’m going to have with MS. I’m still up here in the air with a streamer. I don’t know what the future has in store for any of us, but I think we’ll land just fine.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
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