Chairborne - A Column by Ben Hofmeister

If I were to ask a random person to name the favorite catchphrase of Charles M. Schulz’s character Charlie Brown, the answer would almost invariably be “Oh, good grief!” Although Charlie used it for any number of situations and possibly in place of something stronger, he may have had a…

Last week’s column almost didn’t happen. I’m trying out a new-to-me medication for cognitive issues, and it affected my writing process. About halfway down that medication’s list of possible side effects was “abnormal dreams,” reported by 10% or less of users. As luck would have it, I’m in that…

Although it wasn’t his field of study, my father has always been a history buff. On breaks from school, our peers visited theme parks, where they tried out death-defying rides and attempted to eat their own body weight in sugar. My sisters and I, on the other hand, were dragged…

My three children inherited my inquisitive nature, which I hope they’ll never lose. The first word they learned as toddlers was probably “no,” but that was quickly followed by “why.” As they’ve grown and their vocabularies have expanded, that word, in turn, has been followed by increasingly complex and detailed…

I tend to be a pretty reserved guy. I don’t yell myself hoarse at my children’s sporting events or shout advice to athletes that I happen to be watching live or on TV. I don’t scream, “Look behind you!” or “Don’t go in there!” to characters in a movie either.

About 48 hours ago as I’m writing these words, I began to hear a strange, high-pitched tone. At first I thought it was one of the dog collars we use with our invisible fence, but it was a little odd that I heard it inside while the dogs were in…

Someone bumped into the footrest of my wheelchair at a crowded venue recently. They immediately stopped and apologized — which doesn’t always happen — and I quickly explained that they’d hit only a part of my chair and not me. This response prompted a pause, a look of concern, and…

It’s not as though I do well in winter either, but — with apologies to Mr. Shakespeare — now is the summer of my discontent. It’s a shame, because even though autumn is my favorite season, I’d always enjoyed summer. Frozen desserts, vacations, fun activities around the water, and just…

Here in the U.S., today is the last day that someone out there will have all 10 fingers. It’s probably wishful thinking to suggest that it’ll be only one person, but I’m trying to be optimistic. In anticipation of the holiday tomorrow, fireworks sales started picking up about a month…

I have a kilt. It’s just a simple, olive-colored utility kilt, and I don’t wear it because of family or cultural tradition. I wear it because it’s comfortable, looks right with my knee-high compression socks, is nearly perfect for wheelchair use, and quite frankly, makes me look even cooler than…

No one likes being volunteered against their will — especially when the person doing the volunteering uses the word “we.” I’m sure there’s a similar phrase in every language, but in English, a common reply is, “What do you mean ‘we’? Is there a mouse in your pocket?” I’m…

My family and I just returned from a vacation to the place I wrote about in my very first column for Multiple Sclerosis News Today, only not to the same house. I can’t make it up and down the stairs there anymore, so my wife found us a wheelchair-accessible…

I am not particularly hairy, but even having sparse and fine body hair pulled out by an adhesive is an unpleasant experience. During trauma training in a U.S. Army Special Forces medic course, we had to take turns pretending to be one another’s casualties, which involved a lot of tape…

When presented with a drinking glass containing half the water it can hold, a pessimist would say that it’s half-empty while an optimist would say that the glass is half-full. A realist would probably demand to know who drank half of their water, and an idealist might simply be grateful…

Who hasn’t found themselves in the following situation? A loose acquaintance, or even a total stranger, strikes up a conversation with you, and at first it’s just pleasant small talk. Then there’s the pause. Those of us who have been living with a disability for a while know what’s coming…

I had a visit with a local cardiologist recently. Since my 2017 retirement from the Army, I’ve had most of my medical care at the Department of Veterans Affairs and haven’t been to this particular practice for about eight years. Fortunately, the people there still remembered me. Unfortunately, the provider…

To say that I was the last person on Earth to get a smartphone would be a gross exaggeration. I was a little slow to adopt the technology back when it was new, but now, my phone seems to be my constant companion. It’s a little hard to think of…

Even though I was too young to see the first three “Star Wars” films in theaters, I’ve watched them many, many times over the years. I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere, but here in the U.S., their enormous impact on pop culture is undeniable. Nearly everyone you meet…

I’m sure the same thing happens in a lot of professions, but combat medics, which I was, often zoom in on the job at hand and lose sight of everything else. I know that when I was treating a casualty, I’d sometimes get in the zone and lose track of…

When I learned to cook, I didn’t attend a class or have formal lessons. I learned the basics as a child from my mother in our home kitchen. At first, everything was structured: follow the recipe to the letter, precisely measure everything, and use only the recommended tools for a…

In an Army surveillance course I took in the spring of 2010, which I wrote about last year, I learned more than just the fact that I had a noticeable limp. For instance, on the first day, we had a class on simple ways to alter your appearance when…

Just before a deployment, all the teams in my military unit received a large supply of medical gear that included two medical backpacks, or aid bags. As the team’s medic, I elected not to bring them, because I already had a bag that I liked, and the new ones looked…

You know what they say about assuming? You don’t? Well, I just assumed that you did, so I guess the joke’s on me. I was going to start this column off by saying that people make a lot of assumptions about the disabled, but now I’m not sure that “assumption”…

When I could still drive, I enjoyed the experience. A car or truck was not just for getting from point A to point B. It was also about the thrill of the journey itself, and I wanted to coax as much as possible from the trip. That meant driving high-performance…

The Army took me to a lot of different places around the world, and if I spent enough time in any one of them, I often found myself adopting local customs. In the deserts of Afghanistan and Iraq, for example, if circumstances allowed, I usually wore a shemagh, and sometimes…

A friend of mine went hiking alone during the warmer months of early autumn. Before he left, he contacted several of his friends via a group chat and let us know when and where he intended to start and the location where he planned to camp for the night. He…

I don’t know if anyone else’s life works this way, but my life has a soundtrack. It varies depending on my mood and what’s going on at the moment, but at any given time there’s music in my background. These days it’s usually playing on one of the personal assistant…

Thanks in part to 2024 being a leap year, I’ve never published a column on Valentine’s Day. That won’t happen anytime soon, either, as the next time the holiday lands on a Thursday is 2030. While I’ve mentioned this holiday before, I’ve never written a column specifically about Valentine’s Day.

The other day, my kids asked if they could go through the jar of coins on my dresser. It’s been sitting there for a while because, like the majority of people with a jar of loose change, I hardly ever touch it. They hoped to find some rare coins, but…

With three preteen boys and one soon-to-be 50-year-old child in the house, we watch a lot of animated television. On the occasion when we watch another genre, it’s usually a nature show or historical documentary. We recently watched the latter, a documentary on the golden age of piracy in…