Chairborne - A Column by Ben Hofmeister

When I checked into the hospital last month, I answered all the usual diagnostic questions, but then one caught me off guard. A social worker asked if I had an advance directive in place. My first thought was to wonder just how bad the lab results were since I hadn’t…

Due to my uneasiness with heights, I complained a lot about parachuting throughout my career in the U.S. Army. There’s a small chance, however, that I haven’t been entirely fair. Sure, I was afraid every time, made some less-than-stellar landings, and sustained a few injuries, but those were really…

I mentioned last week that I had been in the hospital recently with pneumonia and promised to elaborate. Without further ado or any gross details, I give you my recent tale of woe. As with many of my experiences, may it serve as a warning of what not to do.

“Don’t thank me yet.” Whenever I use that phrase, I mean it in the way it’s traditionally meant. Whatever it is that you’re thanking me for isn’t complete, so wait until I’m done in case you’re not entirely thankful for the results. That’s how I’ve perceived the idiom for most…

Like a lot of people disabled by a chronic disease, I don’t do well with unsolicited advice. The kind that suggests there is something I can do about my disease, that I’m not doing enough, not looking hard enough for a solution, that they would do better. I’d prefer they…

I was probably never as outgoing or sociable as some people, but there was a time when I genuinely enjoyed most social activities. I was the guy who, by the time a long flight was over, had made at least two new friends and was invited to someone’s wedding. Even…

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point, I stopped putting on a costume and going trick-or-treating for Halloween. Years passed, and with the arrival of my children, I found myself happily joining them in their various celebrations of the holiday. They may eventually outgrow it like…

I’d spent about five years trying to figure out what was wrong with me and then treat it when I got the phone call. During that time, I’d had three surgeries to repair old injuries and had been treated for chronic Q fever. I’d also been diagnosed with multiple…

I never could afford to be a one-trick pony. That’s mostly because I wasn’t good enough at any single thing. Also, it benefited me, and those around me, if I was skilled at a variety of things. I’m not saying there’s no place for people who are masters of one…

“We’ve always done it this way” was the phrase I most despised in the Army whenever I questioned a tactic or technique. I’m not saying routine and doctrine aren’t important or can’t help streamline a task, but they should also be common sense before they’re applied. My problem was the…

I’m not sure what age people begin to care about the lives of birds, but I think I’ve reached that point. I’m not quite at the stage where I name them or talk to them as if they understand me, but I’m getting close. I have several bird feeders in…

I’ve written in the past that I thought I could stand to lose a few pounds. Well, I finally put a little effort into it and have managed to do exactly that by making some changes to my diet. I’d hoped that losing weight would reveal the washboard stomach…

Psychological testing indicates that I’m not crazy, but when I share some of the things I’ve done in the Army, people sometimes wonder. I never say that I’m not, because that’s what a crazy person would say. Instead, I provide a three-point answer: One, would I even know? Two,…

At a recent social gathering, my military career came up, including the more than 100 parachute jumps I’ve done in my life. As usual, someone remarked that I must have enjoyed parachuting, and I had to say that I didn’t because I was actually afraid of heights. That brought the…

One of the things my occupational therapist uses to strengthen and improve the coordination of my hands is a type of moldable therapeutic plasticine. I call it “serious” putty, as there is nothing silly about it, and the way we “play” with it isn’t particularly fun. She has me use…

If I were to ask a random person to name the favorite catchphrase of Charles M. Schulz’s character Charlie Brown, the answer would almost invariably be “Oh, good grief!” Although Charlie used it for any number of situations and possibly in place of something stronger, he may have had a…

Last week’s column almost didn’t happen. I’m trying out a new-to-me medication for cognitive issues, and it affected my writing process. About halfway down that medication’s list of possible side effects was “abnormal dreams,” reported by 10% or less of users. As luck would have it, I’m in that…

Although it wasn’t his field of study, my father has always been a history buff. On breaks from school, our peers visited theme parks, where they tried out death-defying rides and attempted to eat their own body weight in sugar. My sisters and I, on the other hand, were dragged…

My three children inherited my inquisitive nature, which I hope they’ll never lose. The first word they learned as toddlers was probably “no,” but that was quickly followed by “why.” As they’ve grown and their vocabularies have expanded, that word, in turn, has been followed by increasingly complex and detailed…

I tend to be a pretty reserved guy. I don’t yell myself hoarse at my children’s sporting events or shout advice to athletes that I happen to be watching live or on TV. I don’t scream, “Look behind you!” or “Don’t go in there!” to characters in a movie either.

About 48 hours ago as I’m writing these words, I began to hear a strange, high-pitched tone. At first I thought it was one of the dog collars we use with our invisible fence, but it was a little odd that I heard it inside while the dogs were in…

Someone bumped into the footrest of my wheelchair at a crowded venue recently. They immediately stopped and apologized — which doesn’t always happen — and I quickly explained that they’d hit only a part of my chair and not me. This response prompted a pause, a look of concern, and…

It’s not as though I do well in winter either, but — with apologies to Mr. Shakespeare — now is the summer of my discontent. It’s a shame, because even though autumn is my favorite season, I’d always enjoyed summer. Frozen desserts, vacations, fun activities around the water, and just…

Here in the U.S., today is the last day that someone out there will have all 10 fingers. It’s probably wishful thinking to suggest that it’ll be only one person, but I’m trying to be optimistic. In anticipation of the holiday tomorrow, fireworks sales started picking up about a month…

I have a kilt. It’s just a simple, olive-colored utility kilt, and I don’t wear it because of family or cultural tradition. I wear it because it’s comfortable, looks right with my knee-high compression socks, is nearly perfect for wheelchair use, and quite frankly, makes me look even cooler than…

No one likes being volunteered against their will — especially when the person doing the volunteering uses the word “we.” I’m sure there’s a similar phrase in every language, but in English, a common reply is, “What do you mean ‘we’? Is there a mouse in your pocket?” I’m…

My family and I just returned from a vacation to the place I wrote about in my very first column for Multiple Sclerosis News Today, only not to the same house. I can’t make it up and down the stairs there anymore, so my wife found us a wheelchair-accessible…

I am not particularly hairy, but even having sparse and fine body hair pulled out by an adhesive is an unpleasant experience. During trauma training in a U.S. Army Special Forces medic course, we had to take turns pretending to be one another’s casualties, which involved a lot of tape…

When presented with a drinking glass containing half the water it can hold, a pessimist would say that it’s half-empty while an optimist would say that the glass is half-full. A realist would probably demand to know who drank half of their water, and an idealist might simply be grateful…

Who hasn’t found themselves in the following situation? A loose acquaintance, or even a total stranger, strikes up a conversation with you, and at first it’s just pleasant small talk. Then there’s the pause. Those of us who have been living with a disability for a while know what’s coming…