Chairborne - A Column by Ben Hofmeister

I may not be able to turn in circles like a dog anymore, but I still have a few bedtime routines. Before I had an intrathecal baclofen pump, multiple sclerosis-induced spasticity would wake me up multiple times during the night. Whenever that happened, it was next to…

A little over three years passed between my multiple sclerosis (MS) diagnosis and my medical retirement from the U.S. Army. Even before the diagnosis, I knew something was wrong and had taken a desk job while searching for the reason. Since I was behind a desk in a…

Every once in a while, I wake up prepared to swing my legs over the side of the bed and get moving. That sleep-induced forgetfulness evaporates as soon as the reality of multiple sclerosis (MS) reminds me that I can’t swing anything. I suppose I should be grateful that…

We had family portraits made a few days ago. With a family of five, this never goes perfectly, so there was a little pre-photo briefing beforehand. There were some veiled threats, a promise of dinner after as a reward for good behavior, and more than a few hissed admonishments to…

I am not by nature a very neat person. I want to be. I like order, but I lack the discipline to maintain it. People tend to think that time in the military makes you neat and orderly for the rest of your life, but in my case, they’d be…

“scabulous adj. proud of a scar on your body, which is an autograph signed to you by a world grateful for your continued willingness to play with her, even when you don’t feel like it.” — John Koenig, “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows“ I’ve managed to amass quite the…

Summer is one of the cruelest times of year for people with multiple sclerosis (MS). Thanks to Uhthoff’s syndrome, it’s hard to enjoy all the fun that comes with warm temperatures. I don’t seem to sweat anymore (not that it helps much in our high humidity), so I…

The other day, my middle child opened the door while I was in the bathroom. If you have children, a surprise visit in what should be a sanctuary isn’t unusual, but in this case, what he said was. He observed me aboard my toilet and shower chair, which progressive…

Before multiple sclerosis (MS), I was pretty proud of my memory. For the most part, I still am, but like many others with this disease, I now have trouble recalling information. For me, it’s one of the most irritating, (sometimes even infuriating), cognitive issues associated with MS. I…

As I’ve probably mentioned before, my wife and I have three boys in grade school. This means that between school events, sports, and play dates, I’m around a lot of kids. Considering I use a wheelchair, my multiple sclerosis (MS) isn’t exactly invisible, so I’m often asked…

The new year is just a few days away, so if you haven’t already, you might want to start thinking about resolutions, if you’re so inclined. Although I personally don’t bother these days, about half of American adults do, although that number is declining. One study suggests that…

The holiday season is one of my favorite times of year. Multiple sclerosis (MS), of course, has a way of sucking the joy out of anything, but it can’t have my family’s Christmas. I might miss sleeping in, but our three boys have really brought the magic…

I had a glass of wine thrown in my face on the evening of my wedding anniversary. I was taken completely by surprise — well, maybe not completely. After all, the person who threw it has a reputation for that sort of thing. I was pretty irritated, though, because a…

They say that if you happen upon other people talking about you, you shouldn’t listen in. I have no idea who “they” are. I’ve searched for a quote to give someone the proper credit, but have had no luck. The most likely scenario that comes to mind is that I…

Multiple sclerosis (MS) and a good night’s sleep seem to be mutually exclusive. I seriously doubt that anyone with MS will reply in the comments that the disease has blessed them with the best sleep of their lives. Yet I used the word “seem” because when writing about any…

Something is happening to me. All four limbs have become heavier than usual over the past two weeks. My arms and fingers are stiffer and less responsive, and I’ve somehow managed to effect a shuffling gait in my wheelchair. My eyes tire quickly, to the point it seems like I’m…

While helping me get dressed this morning, my wife handed me a T-shirt from a dresser drawer across the room. It happened to be a shirt commemorating an event from my pre-multiple sclerosis (MS) past. It’s what you might call a “been there, done that, got the T-shirt” kind…

Every time I find myself in a multistory building, I end up on an elevator. It’s not as though I’m too lazy to take the stairs — well, OK, I am lazy — but in this case, it’s because my wheelchair won’t climb one, much less a flight of them.

There’s a slight chance that I might be stubborn. I don’t really see it, but my wife, parents, siblings, relatives, friends, and former teammates all seem to think so. I personally think that they’re mistaking my drive and strong willpower for stubbornness, but I suppose I respect their opinions enough…

School started last week for our three kids. They got to see friends from the last school year, meet their new teachers, and sit at a new desk in their new classrooms. Per tradition, there was no homework assigned the first week, but they still brought home plenty of papers…

If I were a superhero (or a supervillain, for that matter), I’d have an origin story. As it stands, I’m not even a minor hero in real life, and only a mediocre one when appearing in my own stories. I’m just a guy with multiple sclerosis, and all I…

In my last column, I mentioned that I had an intrathecal baclofen pump. I’d make a bad pun, but I don’t have it in me. Spasticity, spasms, and hyperreflexivity were some of my first symptoms, which steadily got worse as my multiple sclerosis (MS) progressed.

“Thanks, I hate it.” Odd way to begin a column, I know. I suppose I’d better explain myself. That phrase regularly appears in memes and other pop culture media as an expression of dislike for an image or tweet. No one seems to know where or from whom it…

If you weren’t aware (I wasn’t), last Friday, June 17, was National Eat Your Vegetables Day. The day wasn’t created to tout any special diet per se, but to increase awareness of the benefits of vegetables in a healthy diet. If you were already aware of those benefits, then…

I’m heading to the beach with my family soon. Not a resort, or any sort of popular, touristy destination. Far from it, in fact. We like to go to the old family beach house on Florida’s Forgotten Coast, where I went as a child and now want my…