Columns The MS Wire - A Column by Ed Tobias 45 Years and Counting, Even With MS 45 Years and Counting, Even With MS by Ed Tobias | June 11, 2021 Share this article: Share article via email Copy article link Happy anniversary to us! My wife, Laura, and I are celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary this month. It’s hard to believe, especially because the divorce rate for someone with multiple sclerosis is higher than it is for a healthy couple. A review of records in the Danish MS-Registry a few years ago showed that the probability of a marriage continuing after five years was 86% for MS patients versus 89% in healthy controls. After 24 years, the probability dropped to just 33% for people with MS compared with 53% in the control group. I wonder what the probability is at our 45-year marriage milestone. What’s kept us together? After dating for six years, Laura and I were married four years before I was diagnosed with MS. So, we knew each other pretty well when the MS hammer hit. Laura was a physical therapist and was working in the hospital where I was diagnosed. Therefore, she also knew my illness better than the average spouse would. Her medical knowledge was so good, in fact, that she diagnosed me before any neurologist did. Laura noticed some of my symptoms, such as fatigue, before I did. One day, she accidentally tapped the bottom of my foot and realized that the violent shaking generated by her gentle tap was clonus, another MS symptom. Laura knew that MS symptoms could be treated, but she also knew that I had a progressive disease for which there is no cure. When I was writing a book for people who are newly diagnosed with MS, I asked her how she felt when my diagnosis was confirmed. “It was like jumping off a cliff,” she told me. “It was always there, 24/7. It was front seat, then back seat, then into the trunk.” Independence is a virtue Laura’s medical knowledge undoubtedly made it easier for her to be married to someone with MS, and eventually stuff it “into the trunk.” But I think there’s more to the success of our marriage. We do a lot together, but we’re also very independent. We understand that we both need the space and the freedom to do things without the other. These things can be as simple as an evening with friends from work or even a couple days out of town without the other coming along. Taking care of each other We’re also a caretaker for each other. This is especially true as we’ve grown older and more frail. I believe this mutual caretaking has strengthened our bond. Laura has medical problems of her own, and I do the best I can to help her, just like she helps me. She’s way ahead of me on the caretaker scorecard, but I know she appreciates my efforts. A partnership is important. While writing this column, I discovered a study that found that relationships between people with MS and their partners were improved when the couple worked together to make lifestyle changes and develop skills to improve communication.Ā Multiple Sclerosis News Today columnist Jennifer Powell put it this wayĀ a couple of years ago: “The ride may dictate the destination, but we will define the journey ā together.” Laura has just called from the other room, asking if I’d like her to make some breakfast for me. She doesn’t usually do that ā she moves slowly in the morning ā but she knows that I haven’t been feeling great the past few days. A little thing like offering to make coffee and cereal means a lot. Happy anniversary, honey. I love you. You’re invited to follow my personal blog at www.themswire.com. Ā Ā *** Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis. Print This Page About the Author Ed Tobias People say to write what you know and Ed Tobias knows about MS. He's lived with the illness since 1980, when he was 32 years old. Ed's a retired, award-winning broadcast journalist and his column combines his four decades of MS experiences with news and comments about the latest in the MS community. In addition to writing his column, Ed is one of the patient moderators on the MS News Today Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sites. Heās also the author of āThe Multiple Sclerosis Toolbox: Hints and Tips for Living with M.S.ā Ed and his wife split their time between the Washington, D.C. suburbs and Floridaās Gulf Coast, trying to follow the sun. Tags marriage Comments Leanne Broughton Happy Anniversary Ed and Laura! You've done well. Reply Ed Tobias Thanks, Leanne. I'll pass along your anniversary wishes to my other half. Ed Reply Debbie O'Rourke Happy anniversary to you both. ? Always enjoy reading your column. Reply Ed Tobias Hi Debbie, Thanks for your note and I'm very glad that you like the stuff that I write. We're looking forward to a big steak dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. Ed Reply Anita Thatās so sweet. You are both lucky that you found each other. And how lucky you were to have a PT for a girlfriend/wife. Congratulations on 45 years! Reply Ed Tobias Thanks, Anita. Absolutely lucky. Of course, I like to think she's also lucky. :-). Ed Reply Charles Lumia That's awesome! Grats guys! Reply Ed Tobias Thanks, Charles. Seems as if it was only yesterdat. Ed Reply Gloria Corrigan We also had an MS diagnosis early in our relationship and found we could get and stay married through the MS changes we faced! Thanks for your insights! Here are mine - https://youraccessiblelife.com/what-about-tomorrow Reply Ed Tobias Hi Gloria, I'm glad the two of you are doing well. Thanks for sharing your insights. Ed Reply Leave a comment Fill in the required fields to post. Your email address will not be published. Your Name Your Email Your Comment Post Comment
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