It may not always look like it, but I’m not giving up

Several (OK, many) years ago, I was having lunch with a group of fellow Green Berets when a news story appeared on the TV. The report covered a recent tragedy, and during an interview with a survivor, it was mentioned that one of the victims had not survived because they had “given up.”

This sparked a discussion and some general confusion at our table, until one of the guys pointed out why: We were a group of people who had repeatedly proven we were unlikely to give up, so the concept was understandably perplexing.

It was that mindset, more than pure physical conditioning, that got me through everything in the military. Perhaps that’s why it offends me when people see me struggling with multiple sclerosis (MS) and offer a certain kind of irritating advice — the kind that implies I’m not trying hard enough, or that I’ve simply stopped trying. While most people may not intend it that way, it still grates on me.

Sometimes I joke that I should make a T-shirt or attach a sign to my wheelchair listing my pre-MS accomplishments. For medical providers, I’d like the same list noted in my chart. Of course, that would require people to actually read and understand it, so I’m not sure it would help. Still, it would be something to point to when judgmental comments arise: “See that? You can’t honestly think I’m not trying hard enough, or that I know what it means to give up!”

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But do I truly know what it means to not give up? The hardest things I did in the military only lasted a set amount of time, and I always got to recover afterward. I’ve been dealing with MS 24 hours a day for at least the last 12 years, and so far, there hasn’t been any recovery. Has it worn me down enough to give up? I’ve certainly had my share of bad days and the depression that comes with them, and sometimes I wonder whether I’m still trying hard enough or if I’ve quit.

Others have probably wondered the same, and although I don’t like it, I think I know what they’re seeing that makes them think I’m giving up.

I rely on my wife and children for help with nearly every activity of daily life. Placing complete trust in others for things I once did independently was difficult. Not being able to do it all myself felt, at times, like not trying hard enough — but trusting others isn’t giving up.

Though trust is central, I see willingly relinquishing control as a separate challenge. Because of my MS, I’ve had to give away a lot of control. It took me a while to realize that giving control to someone else doesn’t mean it’s lost. While it might look that way to me or to others, it’s not the same as giving up.

Finally, taking a break and granting myself grace isn’t giving up or not giving my all. I used to think I didn’t deserve breaks unless I’d earned them. It felt wrong to want to rest after something as simple as taking a shower. But the beauty of grace is that it doesn’t have to be earned; it’s a gift, one I had to learn to give myself.

Now I just need to perfect giving that grace to others when I feel they’re implying I’m giving up. You’d think it would be easy for me, since I used to think that way myself, but I often find it harder than giving grace to myself. I would’ve thought it’d be the other way around, but maybe that’s the correct order in life with MS.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.