I do a lot of pretending while living with MS

During my sophomore year of high school, my class schedule was changed against my wishes, resulting in me having to enroll in a theater class for the semester. Although I had dabbled in choir during middle school, band was where my heart resided. I had no interest in pursuing other forms of art, so I wasn’t thrilled about the decision.

Throughout the semester, I managed to avoid many acting scenes, but our final project for the course was to join a group and act out a part of a play assigned to us by our teacher. I remember putting on a nice dress, styling my hair, and slipping on a pair of heeled wedges. From a young age, I embraced the belief that when you look good, you feel good, which has also applied to my life after being diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis.

I can confidently say that acting is not one of my natural talents. However, over the course of my multiple sclerosis (MS) journey, I’ve started to adopt the idea of pretending.

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The unpredictability of MS takes me by surprise every day. It doesn’t follow a schedule, nor does it call when it plans to arrive at my doorstep. For the sake of others, and because I constantly must search for the words to explain myself, I pretend that everything is OK, even when it’s not. Sometimes I find it easier to edit my truth rather than strain my already declining cognition to have conversations with someone who can’t understand what living with MS is like, even with the best of intentions.

The other day, after waking up feeling refreshed and having a peaceful morning, I was struck by a moment of fear when my right leg gave out. I stood up from my bed, and within seconds, all the feeling in my leg disappeared, and I collapsed straight to the floor. I sat there for a few minutes in shock and scared to try to stand up again.

But I didn’t cry or scream for help. I slowly picked myself up using the bed for leverage and, luckily, my leg felt alive again. Rather than expressing the panic that infiltrated my mind, body, and spirit, I brushed myself off, put a smile on my face, and compartmentalized the moment.

I’ve found that pretending can help ease the burden of living with MS, because it can be easier to convince myself that things will always be rainbows and butterflies instead of facing a harsh reality.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.