Multiple sclerosis requires a different kind of can-do motivation
I don't like the word 'can't,' but sometimes 'can' is even more of a downer
I’m pretty good at doing what I’m told. You probably think that’s because I was in the Army for 22 years. You might even think it’s because of all the medical authority figures that have come with nine years of multiple sclerosis (MS). Of course, they both factor in, but it’s really because I’ve been married for almost 14 years and intend to stay that way.
What I’m not good at is liking it when I’m told I can do something.
That wasn’t a typo; I actually meant to say “can.” I don’t particularly like being told that I can’t do something, either, but that happens much less often. In fact, it’s extremely rare to be flatly told that I can’t, and besides, usually people mean that I shouldn’t.
It’s the implied “can’t” that grates on me. For example, when someone asks my wife if a spot at a restaurant table will work for me, it implies that I can’t speak for myself. I don’t like having, or being reminded of, my limitations, but I don’t like them being guessed at, either. As long as I’m able, and as long as I’m honest, “can’t” should be my word only.
“Can,” on the other hand, is supposed to be a positive, motivating word. Maybe the reason I’ve come to dislike it even more than “can’t” is because multiple sclerosis has twisted and corrupted its meaning to me. I’m probably as stubborn and driven as ever, but it has dawned (or crashed down) on me that I can’t actually do whatever I put my mind to.
It hurts to hear “can” when you know you can’t. When I’m told I can do whatever I put my mind to, I hear that whatever I’m doing right now isn’t quite good enough, that I could do it yesterday because I tried hard enough. But this makes the fact that I can’t do it today hurt even more. It’s hard to have goals today when it feels like I’m not even playing the same sport as yesterday.
I don’t want MS to make motivation my enemy. I’ve always liked being motivated by peers, as well as by myself. Unfortunately, MS fatigue, spasticity, and other symptoms don’t respond to traditional motivation. I never thought I’d have to motivate myself to put my pants on. What I need now is adaptable motivation for what feels like a constantly changing reality.
I think that instead of hearing “you can” and imagining some lofty, unreachable goal, I’ll choose to hear, “What you’re capable of right now matters.”
Now, that’s motivating.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
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Suzanne Elizabeth Broadbent
Dear Benjamin,
Well said - thank you for your article, it struck a cord.
Cheers Suzanne
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you for reading Suzanne! Thanks for the comment too.
Ben
Nancy
You hit the nail on the head, absolutely agree with you!
Nancy
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Nancy!
Rebecca Reid
This put a voice to something I have felt but was never able to communicate appropriately to others. It helped me and I am sure I won't be the last person your words will help!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks for the comment Rebecca! I often find myself thinking about I'd explain something to myself before I ever knew about MS. What words or analogies would have made me understand?
I still don't know that I would have without a swift kick.
Matt
100% Brother (I hope you do not mind me referring to you as such).
As Rebecca says above, … you have put structure and words to a thought that I have had repeatedly, for many years.
Thank you for your posts Benjamin. I am grateful for all of the posts that appear on this forum, but I particularly enjoy yours.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Matt! No, I don’t mind at all. I do wish we weren't in this "family", but I'm grateful we're in it together. Thank you for reading.
Ben
Charles Dick
You made a really good point there, but it is honestly not the point I was expecting. I like to be told what to do too, but for a different reason. If not then I will probably not remember to do the thing or figure out that the thing needs to be done, or muster the motivation to do the thing. This is why we have lists.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Good comment Charles! If I don't write it down, it doesn't happen. Also, I have found I work best under a disciplined, controlled environment, but I'm increasingly unable to provide it for myself. That clashes with not always liking to be told what to do.
Lynn Bouvier
Thank you it felt like you had read my mind, You put into words everything I've been thinking, ,,reminding people although I have MS I am not incapable of doing things and thinking for myself x just like so many of us
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Lynn! I think that trying to put my thoughts into words might have been the main reason I tried my hand at writing.
Reading your mind is a good thing.....right?
ELIZABETH COHEN
EXCELLENT WORDS AND THOUGHTS!!!! IT ALWAYS MAKES ME A LITTLE CRAZY WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "YOU CAN DO IT". I WOULD LIKE THEM TO SPEND A DAY IN MY BODY TRYING TO DO WHAT THEY ARE SUGGESTING IS SO EASY. THEY REALLY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I FIND IT VERY FRUSTRATING.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Elizabeth! Yes, so frustrating. Maybe even more so because I want the encouragement and motivation to work and it's depressing when it doesn't. I need a color changing hat, or shirt. One that changes to a bright color and says, "I know you mean well and I'm grateful, but stop 'helping' me".
Patricia Kimura
That did me the world of good to know that others struggle with all the "you can do it if you just keep trying" brigade!
Good luck with that! Even trying to floss my teeth with one good hand is not just a monumental challenge but well-nigh impossible and it's all a slippery slope after that. Thank goodness for red wine and dark chocolate - that I can do.
Pat
Benjamin Hofmeister
Yes to red wine and dark chocolate! The doctor said the antioxidants and other natural anti-inflammatories are good and then something about moderation, but all I heard was "good".
Why won't anyone tell me to try harder with wine and chocolate? I'm really good at that.
Heather Buckridge
Thank you for writing this very insightful article. It has helped me to understand my feelings around this issue. I love my family, and I understand that they will never truly understand what it’s like to have MS unless they get it, and I hope they never get it! However, the emotional regulation I have strived to maintain is so easily disrupted at times by them. I can recognize that I am feeling guilty and resentful simultaneously, but I have lacked clarity in my understanding of the true source of the conflict. You have given me a gift, and for that I am truly grateful.
Mary E. Marros
So frustrating!! An hour to get dressed vs. 5 minutes in the past, and people don't understand!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks for the comment Mary! I find myself so torn between wanting people to understand and hoping they never do because it would mean they're in the exact state I am.
Ben
shauna pearce
Yesterday on a ms fb page I follow someone was sharing their struggle to success story and that she got to fulfill a dream and goal. She ended her comments with I f I can do this and reach my dream goal you can too. I have big issues with the "if I can so can you" These 6 little words can be a dagger in someone's soul as they are struggling to come to terms with their new reality. It is one thing to say it was hard to hear the words you have ms and it was hard getting my head wrapped around what my life was going to be like from now on. I was fortunate to have caring and supporitive friends, neighbors and family members who were beside me every step of the way. Today after much hard work, persistence, and support from lots of people I can finally acheive my dream goal. So what ever you do don't stop believing in yourself you can find the strength to acheive.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Shauna! I sometimes wish people with a disabling disease would caveat their motivational statements with "whatever you're capable of --- today". Goals change. Mine today aren't the same as 5 years ago. They're realistic but not necessarily smaller.