With MS, wedding anniversaries deserve extra celebration
How this disease has shaped my relationship with my wife, Michala
My wedding band is made of tungsten and rose gold. It’s heavier than most, but I’ve had it on for 15 years today, so most of the time I don’t notice that it’s there. Every once in a while, however, I glance down at my left hand and am almost surprised to see that small gray and gold ring on my fourth finger. Maybe I’m just surprised that someone would want to be married to me for this long.
I mean, I’m an all-around decent guy. My hair may be gray now instead of blond and I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m still pretty handso… OK, look, I’m funny. That alone might be enough to make someone want to marry me and stay married.
A good sense of humor can make up for a lot, but it doesn’t completely make up for multiple sclerosis (MS). If there was a reason not to have stayed by my side for 15 years, this disease would be it. I have really put the “in sickness and in health” part of our wedding vows to the test.
Feeling the gravity
When my wife, Michala, and I got married, I was already feeling the symptoms of multiple sclerosis, but I wouldn’t be diagnosed for another five years. In a way, it was her diagnosis, too. I know that my wife doesn’t have MS, but it affects her every bit as much as it affects me (maybe more). I wouldn’t go so far as to say that MS has dominated our marriage, but it has been a major part of at least two-thirds of it.
It’s been during the last third that I’ve needed the most care. Over the past five years, I’ve gradually started to need help with getting in and out of bed, showering, and toileting. Still, the first five years of our marriage were the hardest. During that time, my symptoms were getting worse but I didn’t have an answer yet. It is incredibly frustrating to know something is wrong with you but not have a name for it. To say the least, I was irritable and probably very hard to be around.
No matter the level of disability one might have, MS is hard on relationships. It changes them all and even ends some. It has certainly changed mine. Michala is now my caregiver, and even though I wouldn’t want to be cared for by anyone else, it was not a seamless transition.
Actually, it wasn’t a transition at all. To me, transition implies switching from one role to another, and that’s not what she did. Somehow, some way, she is both my spouse and caregiver — but that didn’t happen overnight. These roles are very distinct and not easy to blend. There was some friction at first, and there doubtless will be again as our marriage and the burdens of MS progress. I hope I’m blending the roles of husband and person in need of care as well as she is blending wife and caregiver.
The traditional gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is crystal — a lovely substance that catches the light and is heavy and durable, but can be shattered with rough handling. I don’t have to stretch to make a comparison between that and a marriage that includes MS. The modern gift is a watch or timepiece of some kind. In a way, that’s fitting, too. On this anniversary, we should measure and celebrate both how far we’ve come and what we’ve had to overcome.
At the beginning of this column, I said that after 15 years, I often don’t notice the weight and presence of my wedding ring. I would notice if it were gone, though. The instant it was off my finger, I think I’d realize that I had been feeling its gravity all along.
Michala, on the anniversary of our wedding and every other day, I don’t ever want to be without the gravity of you in my life. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing holding me on the ground.
I hope I do the same for you.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
About the Author
Comments
Lisa Kandel
God bless you both! I pray you continue to celebrate anniversaries!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you so much Lisa! We are so blessed. I hope we never lose sight of that.
Lisa Stelly
I have been married for 46 years with MS for 27 years. My husband took me to my first doctors appt and hasn’t missed one since. I now have secondary progressive and all thru the good and the bad he has been my rock! My advice tell your partner exactly what you feel and share everything, they can’t help if they don’t know. I am so blessed to have my husband and best friend at my side!!
Benjamin Hofmeister
"My advice tell your partner exactly what you feel and share everything, they can’t help if they don’t know"
That is the advice I wish I'd gotten 10 years ago! I also wish I would have listened and taken it to heart if anyone did try to give me that advice.
Jay Pittard
Ben,
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I was an Army Field Artillery officer with almost 21 years of service in the Active and Reserves. My wife has been and is all things to me and I am so thankful as we get ready to celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary that she has been my traveling companion as we navigate the daily MS roller coaster ride. OBTW, thank you for your service, HOOAH!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Hi Jay! I did basic and AIT at lovely Ft. Sill and started off as a 13F attached to a Ranger platoon in 1/75. I remember a young infantry 1LT asking if I could call for smoke from our mortar section to screen a breach.
No sir, the mortars don't have a smoke round.
Sure they do, I've seen it.
That's WP and the smoke is sort of secondary to it's main purpose. Also, both I and the mortar crew are talented, but it's still indirect.
So can you do it or not?
I can do it, but I won't be following you through the breach.
Mike Purcell
Spot on. I always enjoy your input. FYI…
Married in 1994. In November it will be our 30th anniversary. My diagnosis (PPMS) was in 2000. It has been a long haul
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Mike! With or without MS, 30 years is a long haul (and double my 15 years). Congratulations to you both.
Lisa Cunningham
Hi Ben,
I just wanted to say that I look forward to your column every Thursday. Your words are always relevant. I've been living with MS for over 32 years; diagnosed when my three boys were 8, 5, and 1. It's been a slow progression from tingling in my hands and feet to using a wheelchair full-time.
That being said, today's column brought tears to my eyes. The support of a partner is priceless.
Wishing you the best.
Lisa
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Lisa! It brought some tears to my eyes too. Supportive partners really are priceless, aren't they? Mine sure is. I should tell her so more often.
Cynde Route
My husband and I will be celebrating our 37th anniversary next month. I was diagnosed with RRMS 34 years ago, and have been in a wheelchair full time for about the last 7-8 years. I can't drive, so my husband takes me to every appointment, and he does 90% of the housework. He also operates his own construction business, so he works 6 days a week. You're absolutely right: my diagnosis affects him as much as it does me. It might sound like we have a horrible existence, but nothing could be further from the truth. We have a happy, though challenging, life together. He is a caregiver to me, but it feels almost like he is my teammate, like we are united against a common foe. Together, we figure out ways we can continue to do the things we want to do.
Benjamin Hofmeister
You really summed it up when you said "happy though challenging". It sometimes seems like marriage should be one or the other. With MS it's both or neither. I'm sure glad we have both.
Bonnie Porcelli
How lucky!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Bonnie! Believe me, I know!
Patti
My husband was diagnosed, after years of on again and off again symptoms in 1987 when I was 9 months pregnant with our 3rd son. I have said more than once that MS sure has challenged the 'in sickness and health' part of our vows. I have been his caretaker for years but we still try to find joy and laughter where and when we can, especially when we are able to see our grandsons, 4 boys 3 and under. MS is not an easy road , for the MSer or their loved ones. We are also in Alabama, just south of Birmingham.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Hi Patti! I will always be grateful to the neurologist here in Anniston who diagnosed me and then told me that I should really see an MS specialist. He sent me to Birmingham to the Tanner Center and when I retired from the military I started seeing another MS specialist at the Birmingham VA which just happens to be in the VAs multiple sclerosis centers of Excellence network
My wife and I also try to find the joy and humor in our situation. It's not always easy, but i doubt we'd make it without doing that.
Jaime M
I have recently came across your postings on the X platform and have thoroughly enjoyed your thoughts and research. I am a husband with MS, I found this particular article reminding me to be a little more intentional with my marriage and the love we share. Drive on and God bless!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Jamie! I really like what you said about being intentional with marriage. I think I'm going to try to always be intentional.
Wendy R Hovey
This is so moving! I visit this space because my daughter-in-law has MS, but I am caregiver/wife for a man with Parkinson's Disease, so I related to every word. And I'll sure share this with him! Thank you.
Benjamin Hofmeister
You are so very welcome! Thank you for reading it and being willing to share. I hope it is a help to you and your daughter-in-law.
Star
This weekend, 10/19, is my 22nd wedding anniversary. Ironic that I'm reading this now. I was diagnosed with PPMS in 2018. It has been a downhill ride every day since. My husband has had to take on more than anyone should. He is everything to me, as your wife is to you. I am told by everyone that hears our story that I am supremely lucky to have him in my life. I agree and make sure I show him that to the best of my ability every day. Happy Anniversary to you both.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you! Happy anniversary to you as well. I wonder which is more important, allowing ourselves to be helped, or allowing someone to help us? What I mean is, giving someone complete, oh really even a bit of control of our daily lives is somewhat intimate and some people feel honored to be allowed to help. We didn't get this at the beginning of our marriage and it took my wife saying that I was offending if not outright insulting her by not allowing her to help.
We are definitely lucky.
SPYRIDON ARTINOS
Anniversary date a break of happiness to our difficult journey.
Joan B
I've been Dxed with PPMS since 2013, and married since 2015. Note, if you missed that: somebody actually asked me to marry them AFTER I was Dxed. Oh, and had symptoms for about 15 years before that. Guess I'm pretty lucky, or else I'm a keeper. Lately, I'm feeling like it's more of the former.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Hi Joan! I would really like to think I'm a keeper because that's what my ego tells me, but in reality, I know that I am really really lucky and blessed. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
Jangreen2
We had our 50th last month with a brief vacation to a new place. My husband ihas been my caregiver for many of those years. They don’t make many like him.
Benjamin Hofmeister
50 years?! They don't make them like either one of you anymore! Congratulations on your golden anniversary.
Carolyn Walsh, MSN, BSN, RN
Thank you for your service and your column. My story, ...and how it relates to your story,
I married the love of my life on Dec. 31st, 1983.
We are approaching our 41st wedding anniversary. Until I read your column, I thought, well, at least we had 7 perfect years, before my MS diagnosis. AFTER reading your column, I realize that we've had almost 41 perfect years!
I have transitioned from RRMA to SPMS over the past 4 to 5 years. He's been my caregiver, for certain, during these past few years. I'm still able to walk with a walker but it's a very slow process. I didn't think I could love him anymore than I already do, but it's true. I love him more each day that passes. Your words made me realize that, so thank you again!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Carolyn! I guess at the start I felt like you did. At least we had five good years before the diagnosis. Looking back, I certainly could have been more pleasant during those times when I was looking for, but frustrated by my search for answers. After diagnosis I started to think that maybe I didn't make those first years as good as they could be. Thankfully though, I see things the same way you do now. It could always be better, they could not include MS, but it's still pretty perfect.