With MS, wedding anniversaries deserve extra celebration
How this disease has shaped my relationship with my wife, Michala
My wedding band is made of tungsten and rose gold. It’s heavier than most, but I’ve had it on for 15 years today, so most of the time I don’t notice that it’s there. Every once in a while, however, I glance down at my left hand and am almost surprised to see that small gray and gold ring on my fourth finger. Maybe I’m just surprised that someone would want to be married to me for this long.
I mean, I’m an all-around decent guy. My hair may be gray now instead of blond and I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m still pretty handso… OK, look, I’m funny. That alone might be enough to make someone want to marry me and stay married.
A good sense of humor can make up for a lot, but it doesn’t completely make up for multiple sclerosis (MS). If there was a reason not to have stayed by my side for 15 years, this disease would be it. I have really put the “in sickness and in health” part of our wedding vows to the test.
Feeling the gravity
When my wife, Michala, and I got married, I was already feeling the symptoms of multiple sclerosis, but I wouldn’t be diagnosed for another five years. In a way, it was her diagnosis, too. I know that my wife doesn’t have MS, but it affects her every bit as much as it affects me (maybe more). I wouldn’t go so far as to say that MS has dominated our marriage, but it has been a major part of at least two-thirds of it.
It’s been during the last third that I’ve needed the most care. Over the past five years, I’ve gradually started to need help with getting in and out of bed, showering, and toileting. Still, the first five years of our marriage were the hardest. During that time, my symptoms were getting worse but I didn’t have an answer yet. It is incredibly frustrating to know something is wrong with you but not have a name for it. To say the least, I was irritable and probably very hard to be around.
No matter the level of disability one might have, MS is hard on relationships. It changes them all and even ends some. It has certainly changed mine. Michala is now my caregiver, and even though I wouldn’t want to be cared for by anyone else, it was not a seamless transition.
Actually, it wasn’t a transition at all. To me, transition implies switching from one role to another, and that’s not what she did. Somehow, some way, she is both my spouse and caregiver — but that didn’t happen overnight. These roles are very distinct and not easy to blend. There was some friction at first, and there doubtless will be again as our marriage and the burdens of MS progress. I hope I’m blending the roles of husband and person in need of care as well as she is blending wife and caregiver.
The traditional gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is crystal — a lovely substance that catches the light and is heavy and durable, but can be shattered with rough handling. I don’t have to stretch to make a comparison between that and a marriage that includes MS. The modern gift is a watch or timepiece of some kind. In a way, that’s fitting, too. On this anniversary, we should measure and celebrate both how far we’ve come and what we’ve had to overcome.
At the beginning of this column, I said that after 15 years, I often don’t notice the weight and presence of my wedding ring. I would notice if it were gone, though. The instant it was off my finger, I think I’d realize that I had been feeling its gravity all along.
Michala, on the anniversary of our wedding and every other day, I don’t ever want to be without the gravity of you in my life. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing holding me on the ground.
I hope I do the same for you.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
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