With relationships and MS, it’s the little things that matter
Spontaneity is out the window when MS is involved
Thanks in part to 2024 being a leap year, I’ve never published a column on Valentine’s Day. That won’t happen anytime soon, either, as the next time the holiday lands on a Thursday is 2030.
While I’ve mentioned this holiday before, I’ve never written a column specifically about Valentine’s Day. However, I’m reasonably confident I’ll come up with something in the next five years.
Last year, I used the upcoming holiday to talk about the 10-year anniversary of my multiple sclerosis (MS) diagnosis. I also quipped about Valentine’s Day being less than a week away, which hopefully spurred some people into action. This year, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, so it’s probably too late for anything other than last-minute roses from the grocery store.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. Rather, I’m kind of gloating because months ago, I planned a romantic getaway for my wife and me. Yes, she’s reading this, which is OK, because she already knows. I couldn’t surprise her on Valentine’s Day because she has to do the driving and the packing. Along with all the other things that MS has taken from us, it’s also stolen my ability to surprise people and be spontaneous.
Neither of those things make a marriage, and it’s not like I was great at them before MS. But I still miss having the ability to do so. It’s strange that I never paid much attention to it until I lost that ability. MS hindsight is like that: It has a way of making things I used to take for granted glaringly and almost painfully clear.
MS is notorious for being hard on relationships, often taking a heavy toll. Sadly, the divorce rate seems to be higher when a woman in a relationship is also a cancer or MS patient, according to one study. I think I always suspected that, but seeing that information in writing is a little depressing.
What I’ve noticed in my own marriage is that the little, often overlooked things have the most impact. I don’t mean to say that a loss of mobility and dexterity or a change in employment status have no effect on a relationship. They certainly do, but those types of things are foreseen as possibilities and planned for in a way. It’s all the “little” losses I didn’t see coming that seem to matter most.
For example, being in a wheelchair, being unable to drive, and needing extra help at dinner are things we thought might happen. But I never considered that some of my MS symptoms would require me to factor in plenty of warning before I “surprised” my wife. I can’t slip up behind her for a spontaneous kiss, either. These are little things that don’t seem big enough to harm a relationship — until they are.
Any relationship has its challenges, but a relationship that is forced to include MS feels like the challenges are doubled. I would describe my marriage as challenging but happy. Not long ago, I think I would’ve said that a marriage could be one or the other, but not both. I’ve since discovered that a successful marriage with MS not only includes both, but actually requires both to work.
The challenges don’t make us happy, but we are happier when we deal with them together. This little Valentine’s Day outing will be full of difficulty thanks to my primary progressive MS. It will also be a happy outing even if it’s not quite the “sweep her off her feet” surprise I wanted it to be.
The little things can add up to be the most romantic things. This Valentine’s Day, I intend to embrace them while we meet the challenges of the other things. For us, that’s the key to having a happy and challenging marriage.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
About the Author
Kenneth Westrick
Ben, great post, this is a subject that hits home for me too. I forwarded your post to my wife, we struggle with many of the same challenges. Thanks!
Wendy
Having a relationship is hard enough at any age, but it’s even harder over 50. And almost nonexistent from 50 up with MS. What suggestions do you have if Any?
Judy Kay
I’ve never been a fan of going out to eat on a holiday.
The food is prefab, restaurants are crowded and they rush you!
Emilio Reyes
You are a Green Beret and a Ranger do you know how difficult it is to make it in to those two units. Use the same method you used to pass your training never give and keep on fighting MS 💪 .
Jonathan Nuss
Ben, I will feel your pain soon. I'm 5 years in on my diagnosis of ppms. Sitting in the car as my youngest daughter tours slippery Rock, And Penn State m tomorrow ain for accepted students day. You're right, it is the little things that you miss doing, sharing and enjoying with your family and loved ones. Peace.
Sue Pye
You've written a lovely column. Thank you for your wisdom, and for demonstrating that there is always room for romance. I hope your and your wife enjoy your get-away.
Annette Labbe
I have had MS for 40 years. All my family and friends know about my disease. I have gone from Relapsing-remitting to Primary-Progressive. My father, my sister, and I have all had MS. I have a positive attitude most of the time because I would drive myself crazy!
Vivian Smith
Benjamin, great post. Made me feel like there could
be better understanding for both sides of a relationship
when one of them has MS. You & your wife sound like
you have reached that understanding. Bless you.