When you have MS, be aware of the impression you leave on others
What kind of presumptions might people make because of you?
You know what they say about assuming?
You don’t?
Well, I just assumed that you did, so I guess the joke’s on me.
I was going to start this column off by saying that people make a lot of assumptions about the disabled, but now I’m not sure that “assumption” is always the right word. An assumption is a belief that’s based on little or no evidence. That does happen sometimes, but I’m starting to think that many people are actually making presumptions, because there is some evidence backing up their guesses.
We all leave an impression on others
Like many — I won’t assume all — people with multiple sclerosis (MS), my ability to walk is affected by the disease. Since my diagnosis, I’ve used a cane, a rollator, and am now in a wheelchair full time. With each type of mobility aid, even when all I had was a noticeable limp, people seemed to make presumptions about how to interact with me based on their past experiences with other disabled people.
The interactions sometimes begin with the person telling me they know someone else who uses a wheelchair and is able to [fill in the blank]. My normal response is to smile, nod politely, and mumble a word or two of (sometimes ungrateful) gratitude. If I’m feeling bold, however, I remind them that the other disabled person they know isn’t me. In all likelihood, our similarities begin and end with the wheels on our chairs. Even if we both happen to have MS, our similarities might reach the armrests, but that’s about it.
Another common presumption people seem to make is that they shouldn’t interact with me. They may be uncomfortable if their past dealings with the disabled were unpleasant. I had a hostess at a restaurant seat me toward the back because the last guy in a wheelchair had yelled at her for offering him a table up front; apparently, he felt it implied that he wasn’t capable of going any farther.
In these cases, which I like to think of as “disabled post-traumatic stress disorder,” I usually go straight to a reminder that, despite our similar means of getting around, the other guy wasn’t me.
I try to keep that in mind every time I’m tempted to be rude, because I’m always someone’s “last guy in a wheelchair.” If I’m going to be the evidence behind someone’s presumption of how to treat the next disabled person, then I want to be good evidence. Being disabled by the symptoms of MS might be the reason for my being short with people sometimes, but it’s not an excuse.
It’s not fair, but our disabilities and assistive devices seem to amplify our emotions and make us more memorable. Someone else might have dealt with 20 grumpy customers on a given day, but the guy with the cane who grew frustrated because he kept dropping things is the one they remember. I’m probably guilty of negatively shaping a few perceptions about people with MS and the entire disabled community. I’m sorry if you were “the next guy in a wheelchair.”
How do people remember you? What assumptions, or presumptions, do they make about you? Perhaps even more importantly, what presumptions do they now have because of you? Please share in the comments below.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
About the Author
Jan Fitzgerald
I have primary progressive MS & walk with a stick or poles & use an FES walking device.
I was on my holiday enjoying the music (or more likely just swaying) when a complete stranger came up to me & said "I am so pleased that you can still dance'. Why did she feel the need to comment? I would have preferred it if she had said I was a lousy dancer. I remembered to be polite I just smiled politely. But my friend who was with me said I gave that woman a withering look, something I'm quite famous for apparently.
Maureen Brennan
It’s been about 4 years now using a wheelchair. When I am out and about I talk to everyone, I ask for help if needed and try to exhibit a feeling of being comfortable and accept my situation. With the little children I ask them hop on I’ll give you a ride they laugh and their moms also. I find people are very kind and when they ask why I am in a chair I tell them directly MS. I also tell them I was a bus driver for handicapped children for 26 years. They seem amazed plus I tell them to enjoy life to the fullest because we never know what’s around the corner. Always stay positive trust in God and all will work out. I thank God every day for the things I can still do. Go forward never look back.
David Bottomley
If anything I tend to be very understanding of others . Fortunately I’ve never come across anyone who is in anyway hostile or rude but I can tell that many are unsure or a bit nervous (maybe scared) about knowing how to interact. So, I tend to be smile and act like a nice guy.
A lot of people are actually very nice and helpful.
Not sure what I would do if I came across a rude or hostile person- perhaps just smile and be nice with the intention of annoying or embarrassing them
Debbie Pietila
Hi Ben, I always enjoy your letters and this one is so perfect! I couldn’t agree more and you have a perfect way of getting right to the point clearly. Thank you. It really helps me because I get so frustrated at times when people assume things about me! Your article helps me realize that perhaps I also am assuming! I really don’t have any idea what others think or assume or presume. All I need to remember each day is to try my best to treat others as I like to be treated myself. If I can keep this at the forefront I will be happy. No matter what differences there are everyone deserves respect.