31 Days of MS: Finding strength each day despite living with MS

Photo courtesy of Marti Hines

Day 23 of 31

This is Marti Hines’ story:

I have been living with MS for 4½ years now and a lot of days it doesn’t seem to get any easier. My grief over my past life hits in big waves when I least expect. It’s as if the world has kept going and I was left behind.

I used to try to remind myself what it was like to live life with no pain, or without the crushing fatigue.

I spend most days pretending I am fine. I show up to events, to work, with stroke-level blood pressure, and no one is the wiser. I feel searing pain run through my arms or legs while out with friends and family and smile instead of showing the pain. I am protecting them from worry or guilt and protecting myself from their pity.

Other days, the pain is too much. I cry until the pain causes me to pass out. On those days I usually say, “I’m in a bit of pain but I’m fine.”

To watch your body decline, to feel like you are losing control, the essence of who you are, fills one with such anger, such fear. The depression engulfs you to the point of feeling as if you can’t breathe.

My MS is on my mind all day: Did I take my medicine? When can I take more? How much longer can I make it before my body betrays me? This all goes on internally because if I were to talk out loud about my MS as often as it is on my mind, I am sad to say I would most likely drive my loved ones away. The weight of it all is too heavy, but yet we carry it every day. We take care of others, we show up for our friends, we manage it all in silence.

When I think about our strength it makes me cry; it makes me proud to be a part of this community. I pray every day for grace, peace and rest for all of us.

xx, Marti

Multiple Sclerosis News Today’s 31 Days of MS campaign will publish one story per day for MS Awareness Month in March. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram for more stories like this, using the hashtag #31DaysofMS, or read the full series.