This Could Be the Last Time

John Connor avatar

by John Connor |

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Fear grips me.

Marijuana relaxes, eases pain, and helps my body work better.

It also stirs paranoia, but only when you let it.

In bed, a fretful waking dream.

This is a problem when you actually have something to be paranoid about!

I don’t remember all my last times doing something. Some I do.

The last time I got to work on my own. The last time I climbed the stairs to bed. The last time I attempted wheelchair tennis. Bizarrely, the last time I rode a bike! That was so long ago I’m amazed I managed it with MS. The last time I still had some balance.

It’s the opposite of growing up. Milestones turn into yardsticks. My world is shrinking.

Sorry, but at my age, my metaphors will be imperial!

We all know MS is a debilitating disease — feeling your body imperceptibly retreat is hard to accept. Like climate change, it’s easier to reject it. But that doesn’t stop the glaciers from melting!

So, has the inevitable happened?

My right leg wouldn’t bend last night.

I was at work. Big, burly doormen were having to wrestle it into a wheelchair.

You’d have thought it didn’t have any strength left. Somehow, it became like an immovable object. Thor’s hammer in leg form!

I have to negotiate getting out of my wheelchair and transferring to a stair lift — admittedly with oodles of help.

How much longer will I manage?

Dunno.

It seems to be a race between my body and Brexit to destroy my part of the service industry.

Streaming services are enough pressure to prevent people from going out. Plop on top of that Brexit causing billions of lost gross domestic product in the U.K.’s economy, and live entertainment and restaurants especially feel the effects. Countless restaurants have closed in the last few months.

We all have a lot on our plate — unless you try to eat in one of those closed restaurants.

I couldn’t get into bed on my own last night. OK, it was the early hours of the morning. I had to wake the wife.

I couldn’t get out of bed in the late hours of the morning, either.

Luckily, my oldest son was at home today.

My wife was still in bed. Some brute had woken her in the middle of the night.

At least he no longer gets really drunk and tries for a sneaky pee in the wardrobe.

Amazingly, this still gets mentioned, even though that was the last and only time he tried to do that!

***

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Comments

Leanne Broughton avatar

Leanne Broughton

I hope this is not the last story of your MS/life journey. Have enjoyed your comedic storylines. I have MS as well, and its not funny, I know. Keep on giving it the good fight.

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Cynthia King avatar

Cynthia King

Act in haste, repent at leisure.(about the closet). It's regular age related stuff that’ll do you in. My kids have gone off on their own. I don't know if it was my MS that drove them away or my sparking conversation. Having an ill parent didn't harm them too much. Life lessons learned earlier, maybe, or acceptance that the world is not the warm fuzzy place of TV shows. It is better to learn at home, rather than in your first year year of college. I was never so proud as when my daughter taught some girl in her dorm how to do a load laundry.

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J Howell avatar

J Howell

I wonder which is worse: Brexit or Trump? Like we need more to worry about on top of our bodies' unwillingness to cooperate.

Hope this is a temporary glitch that passes for you, John.

Reply
Peggy Wills avatar

Peggy Wills

Well dunno if it helps but when manage to get from wheelchair to shower seat for shower and back my leg does that stiffness nonsense and we (hubby & I) can't get it to relax. I just have let it stick out there! Love your posts and He reminds me of my 1sts if I forget..but it's not the ones I want to remember like the sneaky pee in the closet LOL 😉

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