Putting Down the Ritz

Putting Down the Ritz
3.8
(10)

My stomach is grumbling. I’ve just had the worst weekend ever. And that includes when I had my first sclerosis and smashed my shoulder to pieces on a tennis court.

I mentioned last week that I didn’t want to write about C. diff., but this appalling infectious bacteria has decided to give me little choice.

My doctor had put me on the antibiotic metronidazole to counter it for two weeks. I was feeling better. I left my pap diet of white bread, white biscuits, and maybe white anything.

Hot cross buns — mmm. Which I had, of course, enjoyed immensely. It is obviously incredibly bad for you, but there is still the allure of white toast and marge that takes you back to being 6. We know now that it is not a good diet, but boy was it fun to be forced into it.

Things had improved immensely. I went back to joining the family for dinner. All was well.

Then the gates opened. C. diff. was back with the vengeance of a pernicious stalker, and having had one of the latter, I’d prefer it to C. diff.

As ever, this tide of effluence hit me over the weekend. In the U.K., I could call the NHS 111 service, which sends out an emergency doctor over the weekend. But as I am obviously heavily shielding due to COVID-19, I endeavored to ride it out.

This was undoubtedly a mistake, especially for my wife, who had to clean up the mess on my bed and, indeed, me. Romance is not dead, yet I think I’ve killed it. My wife, by the way, is having to type this for me for the second week running.

On Saturday night, avariciously, I ate a white roll slavered with Marmite. A massive error. Not only had my bowels turned into the Battle of the Bulge, when the Nazis were winning, but also all power had left my body. I could do nothing to save myself from the situation. That was the bit when the Nazis lost. So, I stopped eating entirely. Little good did it do me.

Somehow, somewhere, the River Styx continued to flow. Every minute was gruesome. I ended up sitting on the commode for a ridiculously long time, and of course, nothing happened. As soon as I lay down in bed, well give it a few hours, my beast of burden ripped through two nappies and towels. I just had to lie there like a wounded soldier in no man’s land during World War I.

You may be wondering where the Ritz headline comes from. On Monday, my doctor gave me another week’s supply of metronidazole, and the instructions specifically state that one should take it with a meal. My savior.

My wife, unsurprisingly, was perturbed by this, but I had a brand-new box of Ritz crackers and convinced her that medically, I should eat one with the medicine. Somehow I persuaded her to let me have another.

Oh, calamity!

A few hours later, the heavens opened once again.

My doctor thought I should be tested for COVID-19, as one of the early symptoms can be diarrhea. Well, so can the loss of smell. Now this would be delightful, as what I smelled coming out of me put the fragrances of Mumbai to shame. It’s the only place I’ve been where the layers of stench build to a crescendo that practically resembles an anti-perfume.

One night, my son rescued me as I lay like a rotting beached whale, nearly falling out of bed. He saved me all right. But he did his back in. I haven’t seen him since.

No food has passed my lips since yesterday.

My uppity secretary points out that I am a drama queen. There was a possibility that I might have to go to the hospital, at which point I wanted to gather everybody together to say goodbye. Indeed she snickers as she types this.

You can’t get the staff these days — at least the ones who are willing to wipe your bot-bot!

***

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.

‘In 1982 John Connor was a stand up, sketch writer & journalist – crap at all three he decided whilst watching a man performing with a paper bag on his head that as nobody else was going to write about stand up he would’. ‘Comics’ Papermac 1990. In 2009 John Connor was diagnosed with MS. In 2017 John Connor still produces/directs his own live 27 year old resident topical comedy show at London’s Comedy Store – ‘The Cutting Edge’. He was also a leading UK Casting Director specialising in comedy – including one of the hippest shows ‘Black Books’ [double BAFTA winning Situation Comedy Award] & for at least a decade the biggest sitcom on British TV ‘My Family’. TV & MS was a step too far – and we know how hard any step can be. Luckily his satirical show was a built in part time job & with the election of Trump is now in the zeitgeist. John now writes “Fall Down Get Up Again” – an irreverent journey with MS.
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‘In 1982 John Connor was a stand up, sketch writer & journalist – crap at all three he decided whilst watching a man performing with a paper bag on his head that as nobody else was going to write about stand up he would’. ‘Comics’ Papermac 1990. In 2009 John Connor was diagnosed with MS. In 2017 John Connor still produces/directs his own live 27 year old resident topical comedy show at London’s Comedy Store – ‘The Cutting Edge’. He was also a leading UK Casting Director specialising in comedy – including one of the hippest shows ‘Black Books’ [double BAFTA winning Situation Comedy Award] & for at least a decade the biggest sitcom on British TV ‘My Family’. TV & MS was a step too far – and we know how hard any step can be. Luckily his satirical show was a built in part time job & with the election of Trump is now in the zeitgeist. John now writes “Fall Down Get Up Again” – an irreverent journey with MS.

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3 comments

  1. kay welsh says:

    NOT 1 star, but I wanted to give it 5 stars!!!PLEASE FIX THIS!! I was trying to give 5 stars, but my MS wrist drop wouldn’t let me push the keys down and I only got 1 star in. This post gave me such a laugh, I could totally relate!!!

    • John Connor says:

      Thanx. In your honor I tried to add 5 but only ended up with 4. Just in case I get told off for marking my own work! Not MS but just general uselessness with tech!
      I’ve effectively turned my col into a diary & as MS takes me into dark places I just write about it.
      Not my most popular col ‘it’s a tough read’ my writer mate pointed out so ta for your kind words.

  2. Susan Smith says:

    I can relate. It is not pleasant at all for the victim or the caretaker. However I laughed at your experience. Thanks for sharing because the Bible says “Laughter does you good like a medicine. “

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