The storms keep coming. Whenever I think I will land ashore, a hurricane sends me back into the eye of the storm. I want to write; however, I fall short of time and, ultimately, the words to explicate all I am going through.
Most writers have interval writer’s block. Emotional exhaustion is a distinct setback, an onerous beast. There is so much to say, but the sentences refuse to form on the page. I cannot count the times I stared at my computer, drying the tears that were dripping from my eyes.
I have been in a depressed state, and it behooves me to acknowledge this truth. As an MS and heart health advocate, I would be remiss not to write about mental illness awareness.
Anxiety and depression are intruders that are familiar to many of us. They arrive when we are not expecting company, with baggage and an unknown departure date. They take a seat in our minds and usurp control. It is a known fact that multiple sclerosis often accompanies depression and anxiety. For me, pain worsens my mental state.
My family has been going through arduous times involving deaths, a life-changing injury, and my mother’s illness. The emotional toll these past months have taken is unimaginable. All the while, my pain worsened. I turn to and rely on my faith to get over the obstacles life presents me with. There were times when I earnestly questioned whether my faith is as strong as I profess. Anxiety will challenge your entire belief system. The trite and sometimes relevant rhetorical questions of “Why me?” and “How much more can I take?” overrule.
Long ago, I would not have had the courage to confess this verity; I felt guilt over having these emotions. That is no longer true. Old things have passed away. Sitting and allowing myself to absorb the time and space I am in is therapeutic and mandatory. It is heartening to know that it is OK to not be OK all the time. I recognize that my faith empowers me to fight. My weak spirit doesn’t nullify the core of my spiritual being. These feelings will pass, and I will move on.
Self-awareness is my superpower, and I value it wholeheartedly. I have become acquainted with the most intricate parts of my existence. I know when I am ill. I know when I am in trouble. I know when I am difficult and miserable. I know that I am human and that trials will come. Ultimately, I will withstand the storm and my ship will dock — worn, damaged, and beautifully decorated with the battle scars of its survival.
You never know what is going on in the life of another person. A smile often hides great pain and struggle. Make effort to reach out to your loved one, friend, or neighbor. Make it a priority to pay attention, and please do not judge. Take the time to show you care. It may save a life.
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