There’s no point in playing the blame game after the disease is diagnosed

In a previous column, I wrote about the journey to my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS). In it, I mentioned that the neurologist had praised me for “taking this well.” I suppose I did — at first. When I eliminated the other possibilities, I was left with an old (hopefully fixable) brain bleed, multiple sclerosis, or a lot of potentially fatal choices. MS wasn’t my top pick, but it wasn’t my bottom one, either.

I wasn’t thrilled about receiving the news on Valentine’s Day. After all, some people get chocolate and flowers. My gift was anything but sweet, but I was happy to finally have an answer.

At the start, I wasn’t as interested in the “how did this happen” part as I was in the “how do I fix this.” I realized the importance of the first part, but I was still in denial — not denial that I had MS, but denial that I’d ever let it get worse than an annoying limp. I honestly thought I could outstubborn this disease, or simply not give up and try extra hard.

When that didn’t work, I found myself concentrating on how this happened. I wish I could tell you that my new focus arose out of curiosity or to advance medical science. It’s since become a means to satisfy both, but it started as an angry search for something or someone to blame.

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I assume I have a genetic predisposition for the disease, despite having no family history of it. I’m also of northern European descent, so maybe I’m more prone to MS. But what was the triggering event? What was the cause (preferably one that didn’t make me responsible) where I could place the blame?

I’ve really taxed my immune system over the years. I had the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) when I was 16. Research points to that as a likely trigger, but is it “the” trigger? If not, maybe it’s some other, less common illnesses I’ve had: giardiasis, Q fever, and shingles. I’ve also tested my antibody response with multiple vaccines, including those for anthrax, rabies, smallpox, and yellow fever.

To top it off, I’ve had four concussions — that I know of. I threw that last part in because two years ago over dinner, an Army buddy told a story about a time I was knocked unconscious in the back of a truck. Although I remembered the event in detail when my friend told me about it, I’d completely forgotten it for nearly 16 years. I’m no doctor, but as far as concussions go, that’s probably not good. If you were wondering why I considered an old brain bleed in my first paragraph, that’s why.

The point to all that was to check the boxes for a number of possible triggers, but I have nothing definitive to blame. That leaves me with nothing to attack or try to fix — no one and nowhere to displace the responsibility.

I was the last person I wanted to bear any responsibility, but without a cause, I couldn’t even blame myself. It’s hard to be a proper victim if you can’t even identify your oppressor. In fact, it can be depressing.

I still read everything I can about possible causes or triggers for multiple sclerosis. These days, it’s out of benign curiosity and for its research benefits for potential treatments. My opinion now is that no single thing pushed my immune system over the edge. I think it was a combination of events, and I’ll never know which one struck the final blow.

That’s OK. Playing the blame game was no fun at all. I do not recommend it.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.