Embracing ambiguity while living in the gray
A recovering perfectionist shares newfound perspective
In recent months, while seeking to balance work, home life, family, and well-being, I’ve sought strategies to help me tackle perfectionism. On the health front, I’ve faced major struggles with my relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis, secondary adrenal insufficiency, and avascular necrosis. However, to this day, my perfectionism is the most debilitating.
When I was younger, being a perfectionist was a badge of honor. To me, it meant I had exceptionally high standards, and I paid great attention to details. My relentless drive to excel was an essential component of being successful. I’ve since realized that the perfectionist mindset can infect all areas of your life — school, careers, relationships — and can steer the ability to adapt to unpredictable circumstances.
For some perfectionists, setting lofty goals and striving to meet them leads to high levels of success. For me, perfectionism has led to self-destructive tendencies and has often been a major hindrance to progress.
Setting the bar too high
The perfectionist view is often divided into two extremes: black or white, you’re either this or that, with no room for anything in between. For me, the constant worry about not meeting expectations or committing errors has led to excessive self-criticism, a paralyzing fear of failure, and rumination that turns into procrastination instead of productivity. In my head, there are two options: perfection or failure. Aiming for the unattainable has meant that I’ve always fallen short of my goals.
Even if I accomplished something I was proud of, it meant the bar would be raised even higher, and my need to strive for something greater would start all over again. Just like a child standing on their toes to see how much they’ve grown, I’ve constantly pushed the bar higher and higher until it was out of reach. I believed that if I strained myself hard enough, I’d reach that bar, and it would be a measure of my success.
Reality is a lot more nuanced than black and white. In between are many shades of gray, and that’s where I live. I’m neither perfect nor a total failure.
I was recently asked how I was faring with writing these columns. I noticed that perfectionism had crept in and skewed my perspective. Currently, I don’t have active disease after having autologous hematopoietic stem cell transplantation, but my health also isn’t picture perfect. I’m both a patient and practitioner working in the autoimmune realm. I often struggle with feeling glitched in the gray between the two worlds, without a label or group to solidly fit into. At times, this has led to impostor syndrome or writer’s block, because I believe I need to be “either-or” to offer something helpful to my readers and clients.
I realize that I don’t have all of the answers. But I’m willing to share my experiences and offer what I know to help others. I’ve spent more than half of my life trying to do so. Surely, allowing myself to be in the gray as an amalgamation of both worlds is better than the black-and-white conclusion that I’m no longer qualified to advocate for multiple sclerosis (MS) patients or that because I was unable to “cure” my disease solely through nutrition that I’m a terrible dietitian without any nutrition advice to offer.
Lately, I’ve sought refuge in embracing the gray areas to help overcome my black-and-white perfectionism. I’m starting to appreciate the uncertainties and ambiguities in life, recognizing that these nuances can foster growth and empathy and enhance my perspective.
I keep telling myself that there is no such thing as perfection; there is no perfect treatment for MS, no perfect physical status, no perfect measure of health, no perfect label, and no perfect piece of advice. I’ll keep repeating the phrase “There’s no such thing as perfection” until it becomes a black-and-white mantra. I’m allowing everything else to fall into the gray. There is room among the gray for self-compassion, self-acceptance, mistakes, progress, and rest from internal and external pressures.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
About the Author
Patricia P. Garrett
I have alwAYS TRIED MY BEST AND CONSIDER it my best trait. I will not allow MS get me down!!!!
Carol Krentz
Hi Ahna!
Thank you for your article. Gray is good and maybe a bit uncomfortable at times? “ Perfection is the enemy of good” is a quote from somewhere? I am uncertain of it’s origins, but i know it is true. It sounds like you are discovering that to survive you can give up some of the perfectionism:). I was diagnosed with R and R MS when i was 24, but had symptoms of MS when i was 20 years old. I’m now 71 and through much disappointment and depression and therapy i learned that I was good enough. God loves me the imperfect way I am and loves you too! I am now diagnosed with secondary progressive MS and consider myself a recovered perfectionist. At 50 years old i went to graduate school and earned my masters in counseling. I was able to work with clients until I retired recently. Keeps on writing and inspiring other people!!
Tom A
Hello Ms Crum- Very nice. It may not be what some want to hear. MS is the unwanted guest who will not leave. Makes having a "perfect" life, motherhood (I suppose), or household, difficult (to say the least). Having to come to terms with some of the things you say is a major personal change- here here! (very good!). I've found seeking a balance of truth to share with others who want an "MS fix" to be difficult. In the beginning "fix" is most important even though we hear there is no cure, but it seems there kinda is if you just look hard enough. Then most of us 10 or 20 years down the road realize "yes, there was no cure". Telling someone they have to stick with it, but the pay off may still not be to their liking, and they can still be a happy camper, is not easy. That's the gray area. There is no cure but you can certainly make thing better.
So you certainly do have to start with yourself if you want to be authentic. I'd say "bravo".