My multiple sclerosis has made me more suspicious

As I’ve mentioned a time or two, my wife and I have three boys. Although they’re all under the age of 12, they’ve started to talk like the budding teenagers they are. As they mingle with peers more than their parents, their vocabulary in particular becomes less like ours every day. This shift includes their adoption and use of slang.

Thanks to my multiple sclerosis (MS), I’m retired and don’t mingle as I used to, so I’m a little lost when it comes to new slang. Plus, as my kids are kind enough to remind me occasionally, I’m old and lame. As a form of revenge, I learn one of their terms and then deliberately misuse it just to irritate them.

I’ll say something like, “Ah, the weather sure feels ‘sus’ today! I might need a jacket.” And then I’ll laugh at their indignation.

“Sus,” by the way, is one of their common terms and is short for suspicious. I’m sometimes accused of being “sus” during family card games or when the last cookie(s) has disappeared, and that’s OK. I use it as a teachable moment for the boys by admitting nothing, denying everything, and making counteraccusations.

Lately, though, as my disability has progressed, my suspicion of others seems to have increased with it, and I don’t like thinking people are “sus.”

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What I tend to doubt

I don’t want to suspect every compliment, praise, or motivational comment, but I do. About a month ago, I wrote about impostor syndrome, and I can attribute some of my suspicion to that, I suppose. Hero? Inspiration? I dropped my glasses three times this morning while trying to clean them, then said a really bad word and gave up. How heroic and inspiring was that?

I don’t think I was such a pessimist before MS, but now, I often catch myself questioning the motive behind probably harmless statements. What did the speakers mean by that? Are they trying to manipulate me? No, I really can’t do anything I put my mind to. If that was meant to motivate me, it’s not going to work.

I also tend to overexamine people’s statements for any trace of pity. I’ve always taken pride in my independence, and as it slips away, any hint of pity feels like an assault on what’s left. I know I need help sometimes. I know I can’t actually do everything by myself anymore. Help me, but please don’t pity me.

I like to follow multiple sclerosis research, but I read the studies with a certain amount of suspicion and skepticism. Some of that is from taking statistics and research data interpretation classes in college. Statistically significant results and patients’ real, felt improvements are often very different things. I have hope, but I’m still suspicious. Maybe that’s just self-protection.

With all that said, I actually feel a little guilty for being so suspicious. I know our societal norms make people feel obligated to say something when in close quarters with another person. I just sometimes wish that something could be “Nice weather we’re having” or “How about that World Series?”

I doubt those familiar icebreakers are any more or less sincere than “You’re such an inspiration,” but they certainly don’t feel as “sus.”

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.