Navigating depression alongside the losses of multiple sclerosis
Tending to mental health is just as important as caring for physical health

Due to the nature of my work in U.S. Army Special Operations, or maybe just because of the nature of me, I had a couple psychological evaluations over the years. Don’t worry, I’m perfectly normal — if “normal” means the kind of person who has the right personality for that job.
The desired characteristics included the abilities to make decisions under pressure, remain calm in high-stress and sometimes hostile situations, and work either with a group or alone, depending on the scenario. In the end, the professional evaluations, along with several personality tests, indicated that I’d be a good fit for either special operations or teaching middle school.
I had another evaluation, as a civilian, about a month ago. This time no one was looking for personality characteristics. Instead, I was being evaluated for depression. Apparently, like everyone else who has it, I’m not a good fit for multiple sclerosis (MS).
Depression and MS
I had a bout with depression about a year after my MS diagnosis, when the relief of having a name to go with my symptoms had worn off and reality hit me. Back then, I just went to my general practitioner and got a prescription for a common antidepressant. I think it helped, but perhaps not as much as acknowledging how I was feeling and talking to peers about those feelings. Either way, I felt well enough to stop taking the medicine after about 18 months.
Back then, I didn’t recognize the depression because I thought it’d never happen to me. This time, however, when depression reared its ugly head, I knew it right away and decided to seek professional help. After a psychologist’s evaluation, I was prescribed therapy rather than the medication I expected. There could still be an antidepressant in my future, but at present, I’m having regular sessions with a therapist for the first time in my life.
Depression and multiple sclerosis are no strangers to each other. Nearly half of all people with MS report being depressed at some point, and the condition seems to be linked with cognitive issues, too. That’s fitting for me, because I think those issues are the source of my depression.
At our first encounter, depression and I met because I’d lost some physical ability and had the dawning realization that it wasn’t going to get better. I still have plenty of physical problems. But this time, I think my depression is related more to the fear of losing cognitive ability.
Physical disabilities are bad enough, and I had to adjust to each loss, but there are helpful devices for every stage of that progression. But there is no cane, rollator, or wheelchair for the mind. There was never any predicting how bad my physical disability would get, but at least I knew there was something to lean on at every step. I’m still afraid of the unknown in my cognitive world, but the thought that there won’t be helpful tools along the way is additionally depressing, even terrifying.
Wait — there are helpful tools for mental health, which, it turns out, are completely interwoven with cognitive ability. They escaped my notice because they aren’t something I could hold in my hand — and I didn’t know they existed until I was willing to admit I needed them.
There is such a thing as cognitive rehabilitation, and it’s apparently very effective. Stimulating the mind is every bit as effective as stimulating the body, and getting help for mental health issues like depression is part of that stimulation.
Just as it was the first time depression and I met, acknowledging the condition and discussing my feelings with my peers has been incredibly helpful. My peers then were other special operations soldiers. My peers now include you. Writing this column and responding to feedback in both the comments and the forums are therapeutic for me. So on this World Mental Health Day, I wanted to say thank you for reading.
Oct. 14, next week, is National Kick Butt Day. Neither depression nor multiple sclerosis has that physical feature, but thanks in part to you, I intend to try to kick their butts anyway. It may not matter to them, but it matters to me.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
tina branch
Thank you ! For the first time I have been struggling with this (ignoring it). I was diagnosed in 2000 with relapsing remitting, in the past 2.5 years it has moved to progressive. I’m physically still not doing too bad , but my mood and ability to deal with and move on is starting to dwindle. Unfortunately where I am from in B.C. Canada, I do not have access to these therapies, but it’s made me stop and realize that maybe it’s time to speak to my Dr about my options.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks for the comment Tina. I see your definition of struggling is the same as mine. Take it from me, this is something that can't be ignored, or won't be ignored I guess. Good luck on your search for Therapies. I think you're definitely on the right track with asking your doctor about options.
Gillian Ward
Thanks Benjamin. So far I’ve been lucky, I have an occasional sad day about the loss of my abilities. Most of the time I’m my upbeat, happy self. Try to laugh every day, be kind to yourself.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Gillian! I do try to laugh everyday. So does my family because if we couldn't laugh at this sometimes, I'm not sure what we'd do to get by.
Jo
Thank you
Benjamin Hofmeister
No, thank you for reading it and taking the time to comment Jo!
Debra J Harrison
Wonderful, honest article. Thank you Ben. I've been on an antidepressant for years. I'm afraid to get off in case the depression comes back. My problems are mostly cognitive. I am a Registered Nurse and Attorney who can no longer perform complex cognitive functions, therefore I can't perform either of those professions. Yes, the depression was there.
Anyway, I'm going to look into cognitive rehab. Thanks again for the article. Be well!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you for the comment Debra! People always say that you shouldn't define, or identify yourself by a career. I always answer that it's not the job that I miss, it's the ability to do that job that I miss bitterly.
Lisa Kandel
I find the only solution to all of my MS is God. No matter how bad I'm feeling, he pulls me through each and every time.
Stay strong and stay blessed!
There are a lot of us out there.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Lisa! As always, that means so much!
Jan
I look forward to reading your articles and love your authentic style. Thank you for this piece which I find most helpful
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Jan for saying I have an authentic Style. I think that in the first year or two with the disease, I was probably a little inauthentic, always saying things like, "I'm fine", or "this isn't that bad".
Well, sometimes I'm not and sometimes it is. Just getting to the point where I was honest with myself and others is a point that I wish I had arrived at sooner.
Carmela Skillman
Thank you for sharing your experience. My thoughts exactly.
Benjamin Hofmeister
You are so welcome Carmela! Thank you for reading it.
Catherine Lester
Thank you for sharing, Benjamin. Your posts are always interesting and enlightening. Sometimes, out of the blue, the awfulness of MS will hit me and I allow myself a little cry. I then tend to give myself a talking to and try to get on with living with MS, and not suffering MS. But it's always there, isn't it? I am with you regarding cognitive rehabilitation. I attend an online cognitive course run by a PhD student at Nottingham University last year. It was a great help to me. I still struggle with some things, but I no longer need to take a list when I visit the supermarket, and I can at last (after 20 years!) remember my mobile phone number. I also attended an online fatigue management course, as constantly feeling low on energy can drag me down mentally. That was also helpful. The tools to help us are out there, but you need to seek them out or ask your MS team for them. Take care!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you so much for the comment Catherine! If I didn't share, I think I would fill up to the point of bursting. Knowing that other people with this disease are getting something from it is a sort of cognitive therapy for me.
I can remember my mobile phone number, but I occasionally have to do the math to remember how old I am.
Heather Buckridge
Thank you for your service first of all, and thank you for being open and sharing your thoughts and insights with this disease. This article really hit home with me. Keep up the good work 👍
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you for reading it Heather. Knowing that what I'm feeling resonates with others is the best therapy for me.
Tom A.
"there is no cane, rollator, or wheelchair for the mind" Yes there are!
Hello Ben-
This is such a cruel disease. The fight always begins with how to stay the same and transforms to the realization that it's not possible. That's for "most", which is the key word that "most" focus on. Many believe they are in the "not most" category, and if you stay tuned and are not afraid of the tough stuff, you might actually get there if you start EARLY.
I would say depression depends on a number of factors- first, the ongoing physical damage to your brain and your ability to produce those "happy chemicals", the stereotypes you hold about wheelchairs or mental difficulties, other things you assumed and learned when you were growing up, and the goals you currently set for yourself and the successes you have. (That's probably not a complete list), I applaud you mentioning what you did, as this is one place where people can get a thoughtful "reading" on what they can expect in the future. I was reading and noted a couple thoughts you said that sounded inaccurate, that I might comment on, like "there is no rollator for the mind" (that's a good one). Then you began correcting yourself in the next paragraph which was perfect
If I had more time, I'd try to start a self-help group again, in person style. It's too easy to avoid tough stuff online. It's there, just have to find it and read it. Seeing others progress, talking about it, sharing doctor stories, getting referrals, forming deep friendships, seeing people improve, having empathy, are all very therapeutic and don't really happen online. The smart phone ain't so smart. Thanks Ben, and continue being "tough".
Benjamin Hofmeister
As always, thank you Tom! You're right of course, I had a lot of stereotypical ideas about canes, rollators, and wheelchairs. Specifically the notion that I would never need one because I could simply tough this out. The reality of MS made me be honest with myself very quickly. Depressingly honest.
Tom A
Tough it out, anyway. We are all, MS or not, going to the same place. It's hard sometimes, but find something to do. Best to you...
Laura Gatty
Thank you Benjamin. You are awesome!
Benjamin Hofmeister
And thank you for the comment! I told my wife I was awesome and she just rolled her eyes at me. I guess because she was too proud of me to speak.
Moises
Thank you very much for the article. You nailed some of my fears and you have given us a great advice.
We are in this together.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you for the comment! Yes we're in this together.... but I sort of wish we weren't. LOL