Navigating depression alongside the losses of multiple sclerosis

Due to the nature of my work in U.S. Army Special Operations, or maybe just because of the nature of me, I had a couple psychological evaluations over the years. Don’t worry, I’m perfectly normal — if “normal” means the kind of person who has the right personality for that job.

The desired characteristics included the abilities to make decisions under pressure, remain calm in high-stress and sometimes hostile situations, and work either with a group or alone, depending on the scenario. In the end, the professional evaluations, along with several personality tests, indicated that I’d be a good fit for either special operations or teaching middle school.

I had another evaluation, as a civilian, about a month ago. This time no one was looking for personality characteristics. Instead, I was being evaluated for depression. Apparently, like everyone else who has it, I’m not a good fit for multiple sclerosis (MS).

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Depression and MS

I had a bout with depression about a year after my MS diagnosis, when the relief of having a name to go with my symptoms had worn off and reality hit me. Back then, I just went to my general practitioner and got a prescription for a common antidepressant. I think it helped, but perhaps not as much as acknowledging how I was feeling and talking to peers about those feelings. Either way, I felt well enough to stop taking the medicine after about 18 months.

Back then, I didn’t recognize the depression because I thought it’d never happen to me. This time, however, when depression reared its ugly head, I knew it right away and decided to seek professional help. After a psychologist’s evaluation, I was prescribed therapy rather than the medication I expected. There could still be an antidepressant in my future, but at present, I’m having regular sessions with a therapist for the first time in my life.

Depression and multiple sclerosis are no strangers to each other. Nearly half of all people with MS report being depressed at some point, and the condition seems to be linked with cognitive issues, too. That’s fitting for me, because I think those issues are the source of my depression.

At our first encounter, depression and I met because I’d lost some physical ability and had the dawning realization that it wasn’t going to get better. I still have plenty of physical problems. But this time, I think my depression is related more to the fear of losing cognitive ability.

Physical disabilities are bad enough, and I had to adjust to each loss, but there are helpful devices for every stage of that progression. But there is no cane, rollator, or wheelchair for the mind. There was never any predicting how bad my physical disability would get, but at least I knew there was something to lean on at every step. I’m still afraid of the unknown in my cognitive world, but the thought that there won’t be helpful tools along the way is additionally depressing, even terrifying.

Wait — there are helpful tools for mental health, which, it turns out, are completely interwoven with cognitive ability. They escaped my notice because they aren’t something I could hold in my hand — and I didn’t know they existed until I was willing to admit I needed them.

There is such a thing as cognitive rehabilitation, and it’s apparently very effective. Stimulating the mind is every bit as effective as stimulating the body, and getting help for mental health issues like depression is part of that stimulation.

Just as it was the first time depression and I met, acknowledging the condition and discussing my feelings with my peers has been incredibly helpful. My peers then were other special operations soldiers. My peers now include you. Writing this column and responding to feedback in both the comments and the forums are therapeutic for me. So on this World Mental Health Day, I wanted to say thank you for reading.

Oct. 14, next week, is National Kick Butt Day. Neither depression nor multiple sclerosis has that physical feature, but thanks in part to you, I intend to try to kick their butts anyway. It may not matter to them, but it matters to me.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.