Emotional and Physical Pain Are My Unwanted Sidekicks

Pain is the consummate four-letter word. I have felt pain in the most primal of ways. The emotional chasm of grief in my soul. The physical torture of pain in my body. Pain is unyielding in its relentless torment. It remains the quagmire I fail to solve.

Life with chronic, physical pain is an unenviable reality. I live with it every single waking moment. I utilize many modalities to manage pain. Meditation, medication, basic yoga, heat and ice, acupuncture, and cognitive and physical therapy contribute to my abilities. Despite all of this, there are days when the pain is unresponsive. Two to three of every seven days are like this.

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Constant physical pain affects and influences my emotional well-being. The inverse is also true. As a teenager, my emotional angst came in tandem alongside aggressive endometriosis. Depression and anxiety were my constant companions. The emotional fallout was far more difficult for my adolescent self to metabolize. The confluence of both confused my young mind. I have no doubt I unwittingly conflated the two.

Our physical and emotional selves are intricately intertwined. When I experience severe physical pain, I often feel sad or down. Conversely, emotional stress takes a physical toll on my multiple sclerosis and pain. It speaks to the intricate nature of pain in our bodies. It is evidence of their interconnectedness.

My endeavors to manage pain will last a lifetime. As my disease progresses, so does the severity of my pain. I see how this affects my mental health. To respect this process, I advocate for the care I need at any given moment. This includes physicians who care for both my body and mind.

I spent much of my 20s trying to avoid pain. I spent years lost in a labyrinth. I numbed the pain to circumvent it. I soon realized that the only way to manage pain is to walk through it. I had to experience the loss I had tried so hard to avoid. Like a wave, the anguish had to wash over me. Only when I was soaked in truth could I then metabolize it.

I will never condone the pain levels I experience. But to live, I must accept what is. It has been and will continue to be the cross I bear. I hope that my choice to coexist with pain helps others see that it is possible. I pray not for relief from my pain, but for the courage to live despite its existence.

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