Santa Claus Is Still Comin’ to Town

Santa refuses to use email! At least letter-sending is a thousand years older than he is! (Via Shutterstock)

Well, 2020 was a weird year for everybody. It was even weird for magical creatures, as these days, an awful lot of people believe they exist! It’s tough now to hide.

It was an especially difficult year for Santa, as his multiple sclerosis had significantly worsened, and he was now anything but nimble.

His stomach was definitely back, thanks to a lack of exercise, an inbuilt love of ginger cake, and lots of medical marijuana — a serious stomach-enhancing mix! Still, he laughed it off, as his magically powered wheelchair could take any load. Because he obviously traveled faster than light, it was no problem!

Before any rational physicists throw their toys out of the pram (a most un-Christmasy thing to do), no mass (again, not the Christian gatherings he was most definitely for, being an ex-bishop and a saint and all) travels faster than light. Einstein was right about that.

But if you want to be pedantic about it, Father Christmas could whip up all the negative energy he liked and surf within space-time. Negative energy holds open your wormhole. Space itself can travel faster than light. All those far-off galaxies are moving away from us well above the speed of light. Really. If you live for a millennium and a half, you’d be surprised at the ephemera you pick up!

Turns out Matt Visser was right in his speculative musings on Lorentzian wormholes far more than he could ever prove. If only he truly believed in Santa like all those other people, his Christmas wishes would truly be answered! Ho-ho.

The pandemic turned out to have an upside for Santa. Though the virus had no effect on him (just that pesky MS, whatever its cause), it would certainly be politically incorrect to dive into people’s houses.

For starters, Santa couldn’t possibly work out all the differing rules and regulations for each country. It was practically impossible for the residents of any country to work out what the COVID-19 rules were in their own political locale. Santa might be magic, but even he wasn’t that miraculous!

All around, it was better for him to wait outside and zap the presents in. He could also zap the whisky and cake out just as easily. The carrots he left!

Reindeer really hated carrots, especially because they hadn’t evolved to eat them. More of that ephemeral knowledge. They were from the High North — a bit of crunchy moss and now you’re munching! Who started this carrot idea? Probably carrot farmers. They’re a sneaky lot.

Also, because Santa was outside, he didn’t have to wear a mask. They were tough with his full-blown beard. Strange that hipsters had finally made him fashionable. Santa the cool!

After this awful year, Santa really hopes you manage to have a laid-back Christmas.

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Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.