I can’t make my own bed or even lie in it!

For most of the past six years, I’ve been suffering from that weekly journo disease known as “columnitis.”

One column is finished, hurrah! Bathe in the relief of getting that one in the net. (It’s a football reference, American “Ted Lasso” finale fans.) We’ve also just had the Champions League final — which an English team, Manchester City, won. OK, OK, with just a light sprinkling of English players and owned by an Abu Dhabi sheikh. But who’s quibbling?

I surmise that, over the ever-growing pond, it’s the equivalent of hitting a home run with the bases loaded or sinking the hoop five times from outside the “D” in basketball. (Yup, I was struggling on that last one — it’s all netball to me.) In the rest of the world, mind, football is ubiquitous.

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So back to columnitis — what on terra am I going to write about this week? I often have some rough ideas scribbled down. The upside of my recent near-death experience is the number of columns it actually generated.

Now, don’t take this as callousness on my part. Nearly every writing colleague, both here at Multiple Sclerosis News Today and elsewhere, commiserated with me using exactly this sentiment. We journos are a supportive, satirical lot.

This week, I had no subject until I suffered three consecutive nights of intense pain. Make that an extra morning, too. My air mattress, prescribed to help the skin of my bot-bot, was spontaneously deflating, leaving my circa 17-stone body pressed against wooden slats — which is no doubt de rigueur for Buddhist monks and the more extreme Catholics. But for a devout atheist, extreme pain would be of interest only if I were a masochist. Multiple sclerosis is already enough of a pain in the bot-bot.

My wife, Saint Jane, had to be woken up three nights in a row, making me Demon John, a character I’m exceedingly good at. She had to keep adjusting the compressor controls at the end of the bed to get air back into it.

It had just been serviced, too. Very weird. Still, the highly efficient company that services all of my disabled equipment popped over quickly on Sunday and gave it the once-over. As usual, the only solution is to replace everything. Also as usual, the newer mattresses aren’t as good as the old ones!

It’s going to be replaced today.

Here’s to a good night’s sleep for the both of us.

Nighty-night.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.