This New Year’s, I resolve to express more gratitude — just not for MS
It's OK to avoid forcing oneself to be grateful for chronic illness, a columnist says
The new year is nearly upon us, so if you’re planning to make any resolutions, you should probably narrow down the list. As I said last year, I’m not in the habit of making any, but I did resolve to foster a sense of hope. I still have what I think of as realistic and practical hope, so I feel like I’ve kept my resolution. In fact, I think I’ll make the same one again this year and in future years, because a little hope is a good thing.
Oh, right, I also said I’d like to lose a few pounds. Well, I didn’t, but if you recall, I only said that I’d like to, not that I’d resolved to. I’ll consult an attorney if need be, but I don’t think “like to” constitutes any sort of binding agreement.
One thing I won’t be resolving to do over the course of the coming year is to embrace, or be grateful for, my multiple sclerosis (MS). That has been suggested several times since my diagnosis, and for the most part, I think people mean well. I also think there’s some confusion about embracing the good things in my life and embracing the disease that may have revealed them.
A concept that doesn’t work for me
If I make a New Year’s resolution, besides continuing to hope, it’ll be to show gratitude everywhere it’s deserved.
I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I have a family who loves me and looks after me. I’m thankful that I was able to retire and provide for us when MS struck. My health may not be perfect, but I have good care and providers that I trust. There are so many things I could list, but this column is about one thing I cannot be grateful for: my MS.
I’m not grateful for having this disease. Part of what’s known as toxic positivity is the mistaken notion of toxic gratitude. It’s an idea that we’re supposed to be grateful for and look for the silver linings in the bad things in our lives. To me, that’s like expecting a sort of reverse psychology to work on MS. MS can’t be ignored, so maybe if I pretend that it’s a positive thing, it’ll go easy on me.
That concept doesn’t work. I know because I’ve tried it. I was told to look on the bright side so many times that I started wondering what was wrong with me because I wasn’t happy to be sick. Multiple sclerosis isn’t fazed by psychology, reverse or otherwise, and apparently I wasn’t even able to trick myself for very long.
The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Some people, even well-meaning ones, love to try to apply that saying to chronic disease. MS did not make me stronger, kinder, wiser, more patient, or better in any sort of way. If I’m any of those things, it’s in spite of MS, not because of it. I believe that the hardships of my symptoms and disabilities can only reveal qualities — good or bad — not create them.
So I’m resolving to show gratitude for the good things in my life. There are so many. I’m thankful for the strength, support, and love of those around me. I’m thankful that it was always there, waiting to be revealed when it was needed.
Did you notice what’s not on the list? When I count my blessings, I don’t count multiple sclerosis.
From the fantasy novel “Oathbringer,” by Brandon Sanderson:
“’Ten spears go to battle,’ he whispered, ‘and nine shatter. Did that war forge the one that remained? No, Amaram. All the war did was identify the spear that would not break.'”
Whatever strength I have comes from the strength of the others around me. You’re here on Multiple Sclerosis News Today because you refuse to break.
I’m grateful for you and this new year, and I resolve to always be.
Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.
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Chris Jackson-Smith
Ben, thank you for your thoughts. I'm with you on this one, how anyone can be grateful for such a destructive disease is beyond me; but don't you find it's people who have no concept of what MS might be like to live with that say the most useless things, like one who said to me "well, it could have been worse"! How? I was 28 and had just been told that not only did I have an incurable disease but, oh yeah, it's degenerative as well! So no, I've never been grateful for MS, but I am grateful for the love and support of those around me because they've made such a difference in my life. And you and your column, Ben, make a difference too and for that I AM grateful! Wishing you and your family well and a Happy New Year 😊
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Chris! Happy New Year to you and yours as well. I've also been told it could be worse and I always think that that's probably true, but it could be better too. Also, we're not obligated to be grateful that it isn't worse.
Great comment!
Catherine
Thank you very much for this post, I totally agree with you. I'm grateful for all the support I have from my MS team and, of course, my family. But there is nothing positive about having MS, and I won't listen to anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. Happy New Year!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Catherine! I've found that the ones who insist that MS is a good thing are often trying to sell something.
Marybeth
I completely agree with your perspective…years ago shifted resolution to intention.. which brings what I would like to to do forward in a much softer, realistic way. This way I acknowledge without judgement and still move forward. Thanks so much for sharing!😊
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Marybeth! I like that and think I'll start making "intentions" instead of shying away from resolutions. You're right, so much more realistic!
DIANA PULLOS
Thank you Ben, that brought tears to my eyes. "You're here because you refuse to break" it's just a small acknowledgement but it lets us know that we are trying. It's hard everyday and because we ARE strong those closest to us do not always see the fight we are putting up every day. It was just lovely to be seen ?
Diana
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you Diana! Bless those who may not see the fight we're in and still offer their hand to pull us up.
MADELINE l NEWTON
being honest is the best medicine for if you are then you won't have to appoligize ..spelling not working but you know what i am talking about ...we do what we can and always try for better ,the miracle of the stop of MS ...i feel like you do we have found out more about our lives and this wonderful world we live in ....we are truly very lucky to live this life...have a wonderful day and many more to not have to worry so much ....doesn't do us any good but i am guilty of it..my husband always reminds it doesn't do any good ...love and much happiness and may our New Year be a very pleasant one ....love your posts...
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you for reading and for the comment Madeline. Happy New Year to you and your husband. A spouse who stays by your side on this journey is a blessing beyond measure. I am so grateful for mine!
Virginia Gill
Thank you for saying what I have long felt. I have read post by people who say they are grateful for their MS. because of various reasons. I am not grateful for mine and I never have been. When people tell me how lucky I am to be halfway on my feet and taking care of myself I just smile, but I want to tell them that I do not feel lucky that MS has brought about the condition that has led to me only being halfway on my feet. Even an NA in my neurologist's office told me that I had already "won" because of my age. I wondered what lottery I had won due to the MS I had lived with for decades. I try to be nice and never respond the way I feel.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks for the comment Virginia! I honestly think people confuse being grateful for something good and the tragedy that may have revealed it. I have pictures of my extended family all well dressed and together......because we were at a funeral. I'm glad to have the memento of all of us together, but not grateful for the reason we are.
Mary Davis
THANK YOU for your words and thoughts.
Benjamin Hofmeister
You're very welcome Mary! Thank you for reading them!
Ben
Patricia P. Garrett
Love your attitude! MS has made me a tronger person. Just returned from a great Holiday with family and friends. Don't let anyone discourage you from plane travel and hotel stay. It's doable just takes planning. Happy New Year!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Patricia! My attitude rarely gets complimented. 😅 You're so right about planning for travel. I have found that different hotels sometimes have very different definitions of "accessible".
Eileen Lia
Thank you, as always, you hit that nail right on its head. I am so not grateful for having MS, not grateful for what I can no longer do, for all the extra work it entails both for myself and others, for the times I am alone because just the thought of going out is exhausting.
I am grateful for my family and loved ones, my healthcare team, for the fact that so far I have been able to beat off depression and for writers like you who can clearly put into words what many of us are thinking and feeling, thank you.
Benjamin Hofmeister
You are so welcome Eileen! I am so grateful to know that my sharing helps others as much as it does me. Just putting my feelings into words is very therapeutic for me. Hearing that it benefits those reading it is even more so.
Thank you
Rosemary H.
Gratitude and counting my blessings is a daily practice living with MS. I am most grateful for the very expensive medication that I have taken every day for 16 years. It has been paid for in full by both the state and federal governments. My MS has not progressed at all since I began taking my MS medication. I am grateful for ALL of the doctors, nurses and staff who have helped me all of these years. I had a hidden anxiety since 2004 when my symptoms began that I would end up dying at an early age or have serious mental disability. But this has not happened to me. I never knew what to expect and neither did anyone else. The mystery of MS can be daunting but focusing on your tasks each day keeps the worry away. Best to you and thank you for sharing your gratitude.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks for sharing yours Rosemary!
Heather
I’m grateful for you and all of your wonderful columns. Whenever I read them I find myself shaking my head in agreement. You know how to touch upon the subjects so close to those of us with MS. I normally don’t make New Year’s resolutions but I thought about it after enjoying your article. I like the idea of keeping hope alive when it comes to having a progressive disease. I also have decided to make an effort to be more positive when it comes to day to day challenges. Recently I read about the idea of looking for “micro joys” throughout the day. These are easy to find. A blue sky, a talk with a friend, a bird singing, success in getting dressed in the morning,…
Happy New Year and please keep writing!
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thanks Heather! I plan on it! Thank you for reading.