Not thankful for multiple sclerosis, but thankful for what it’s allowed

As this is published, I’m surrounded by family. Some are cooking with passion and purpose. Some are critiquing and giving advice that always seems to start with the phrase “Now what I like to do is,” going on to suggest a better way of stuffing, or how many minutes per pound to roast a turkey.

I’ve always liked to cook, but if Thanksgiving dinner is hosted at someone else’s house, as most of mine have been, then I’m happy to be a silent bystander and occasional taste-tester. I’ve complained recently about multiple sclerosis (MS) taking away my ability to cook, but since I normally don’t on Thanksgiving anyway, it really doesn’t feel like something is missing on this holiday. Without the self-imposed hustle and deadlines, I can just relax and be thankful, which is what the holiday is all about.

MS makes it very difficult to be thankful. I’m extremely resistant to being thankful for MS in any way, shape, or form. I’m not thankful for this life-altering disease, nor for any of its annoying symptoms. With that said, I still have a lot to give thanks for, and some of it happens to be related to my illness.

That may be a fine line, but I like to think that I’m still not thankful for MS itself. But I’m thankful for how I and loved ones have adapted to my condition. It may not be a super relevant distinction, but it makes me feel better to think that I’m thankful in spite of MS rather than because of it.

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My thanks on Thanksgiving

Since quite a bit of my family is around me today, it just feels natural to start with them. I’m thankful for all of them, including the ones who couldn’t be here today. I know they’re happy to get my wheelchair in the house because they’ve told me so on multiple occasions, but they not only made a way for that to work, they’ve made nearly the entire house accessible. I feel seen, and that’s something to be eternally grateful for. I’d never ask, but they give me the feeling that if I did, someone would stand over me with a spoon and shovel food into my mouth. That’s love, and I’m thankful for it.

My list of acquaintances has shrunk considerably these past few years, but my list of true friends has barely changed. I’ve said it before, but a chronic disease will show you who those real friends are. I probably won’t see any of them today, but there’ll be a flurry of holiday wishes via text. That may not sound very meaningful, but it matters a lot to me. I feel that I’m the same person I always was, just with different abilities. I’m thankful for friends who feel the same way.

I feel that I pay better attention to my overall health these days, which I suppose I should also be thankful for, since for the first five years or so I did not. I think because of the magnitude of multiple sclerosis, I might’ve thought at one time that it was the only thing wrong with me. I wrote a column once about not letting MS overshadow the rest of your healthcare, so I won’t belabor the point here. I’ll simply say that this disease has made me more cognizant and aware of the importance of good health, and I’m grateful for that lesson.

I may not like the reason I’m home all the time now, but I do like that I know my children. I’m not suggesting that people with full-time jobs don’t know their kids, simply that I know mine better than I would’ve if I were away from home most of the day.

By the same token, I feel that I’m better acquainted with my wife. MS is hard on a marriage. I know it was hard on ours. I think people who knew us before my diagnosis would say that we’ve changed a lot. To be honest, a lot changed us, but I don’t think it made us different people — but better, stronger, more resilient people, maybe even new versions of ourselves. I’m not sure, but I’m sure that I’m thankful that those two new versions of ourselves love each other.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat myself into a minicoma. That’s probably not what the founders of this holiday intended, but it’s what I intend. If I weren’t lying around groaning with the top button of my pants undone, I’d be insulting the cooks, and I certainly don’t want to offend anyone. That kind of giving attitude should make them thankful for me, too.

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