With MS, my mental health had to get worse before it got better
What I wish I'd known when I started treating my depression
After today, I have only one more session of therapy for my current bout with depression. I don’t mean to imply that I’m getting chased out the door, or that more therapy won’t be recommended in the future, just that I’ve come to the end of my current program. I have no doubts that I’ll be depressed again, but these sessions have given me some good tools to combat those feelings, and my therapist and I feel that I’ve made good progress.
When I made up my mind to seek therapy for my mental health, I was immediately rewarded with positive feelings. I rode that wave through the first two sessions or so and then experienced what I thought was a setback. As I became more self-aware, I began to feel as though a cloud had moved out of the way, and I was saddened to see all that I had missed while in the depths of depression.
It turns out that this is perfectly normal. As I healed from depression, I had to get worse before I was able to get better.
Navigating mental health alongside MS
Although there were certainly other contributing factors, I think I can comfortably say that multiple sclerosis (MS) has been the primary driving force behind my depression. I imagine that many others with both depression and a chronic disease could say the same thing.
I still hold out hope for a cure, but for now, I’m not getting better — not physically anyway. I can get better mentally, so I’ve chosen to make an attempt. But the beginning of this process would’ve been easier if I’d realized that I might get worse first.
As I’ve noted before, immediately after my diagnosis with MS, I was relieved to have an answer about what I was experiencing, and that the answer was nonfatal. It was about a year later when the seriousness and severity of the disease dawned on me (not for the last time) and I had my first brush with depression. I tried to make peace with my illness as quickly as I could, but when I took stock of time lost and damage to relationships, my mental health worsened, and that wasn’t as easy to recover from.
MS is not a happy disease, but my life often is. For me, the key to being more happy than sad is knowing that there will be plenty of sad times and that occasional sadness is part of being happier. Looking back and realizing that I missed out on my own life and the lives of others because I was waiting until I felt better saddens me every time. Managing my depression has been a painful, yet important step toward repairing the damage and being more content despite MS — and that makes me happy.
I’d normally say that if I could go back in time and tell myself anything, it would be to not waste what time I have. Now, I think I’d add in this little lesson: It’s not healthy to dwell on the past because it can’t be changed. Learning from it and maybe even passing on a lesson probably doesn’t count as dwelling on it. If it were possible, I think I’d tell my past self not to be caught off guard by depression. I’d also make sure that I understood that sometimes getting worse is an important part of getting better.
Maybe my past with MS can’t be changed, but my future can.
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About the Author
Christopher Seifert
I’m just going to say that you are a great writer and I really like to read your work. I was diagnosed I think 3 years ago I fight every day….
Benjamin Hofmeister
Thank you for reading Christopher and definitely keep fighting!
Lisa Kandel
I have been feeling down since I saw my new neurologist a couple of days ago. He informed me I had lesions on my spine which I have been proud to say for the past 24 years that I did not have lesions on my spine. I'm praying fervently and without ceasing as I often do. It kind of felt like a punch in the stomach. I wasn't expecting it which meant I had no time to prepare myself emotionally. I am most likely going to switch medications. I am currently in vestibular therapy for my vertigo and imbalance. I have been fighting off a sinus infection which is not doing me any favors so I'm having what I like to call an MS meltdown. All of my symptoms are rearing their ugly heads at one time. Stay blessed and know that you are not alone. Thank you for your articles.
Benjamin Hofmeister
Unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean Lisa. There are times when multiple symptoms hit me all at once and I just want to scream at them, one at a time! Can't you take turns?!
Avrianna Kavoura
Thank you 😊
Benjamin Hofmeister
You are very welcome Avrianna! Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment.
Ann Finegan
Right on! Some days it is a victory to just make just one step forward, hoping tomorrow will be easier. Taking time to care for your self, using help when needed, will build strength and is smart.
Sandra Schneider
Thanks, Ben. While reading this it occurred to me that PPMS may be a slightly different animal (mentally) than SPMS. With the RRMS phase, you wait out the attack and do get better. The confusion/sense of betrayal comes after you transition to SPMS and you wait to get better, but keep getting worse. After 20 years of RRMS, I went from EDSS of 0 to 6 in 1 year. I can't know what you went through, as your physicality was so robust, and factored so heavily in your sense of self and how you traveled through the world before MS, but I can relate to the gut-punch and confusion of waiting to get better to live your expected life and being abruptly derailed. It's really hard to pivot from that kind of loss, but you've done so with such grace and beauty.