I tried to disguise my MS symptoms, but I wasn’t fooling anyone

In an Army surveillance course I took in the spring of 2010, which I wrote about last year, I learned more than just the fact that I had a noticeable limp.

For instance, on the first day, we had a class on simple ways to alter your appearance when following someone or when someone is following you. One of the techniques was to carry a pair of eyeglasses with clear lenses to make a subtle but effective change to your face. Later that day, while at a pharmacy, I saw a selection of reading glasses and decided to get a pair.

I didn’t have any experience with reading glasses, so I assumed the term “3x” simply meant they were three times better than the others. As far as assumptions go, I discovered the next day that this wasn’t one of my better ones.

I followed a subject into a bookstore and slipped on my new pair of glasses for the first time, making what I thought was the perfect disguise. But after walking into two different display stands and grabbing only air while trying to pick up books, I realized it wasn’t so perfect after all. Then again, I did escape detection by both my quarry and any countersurveillance that may have been around, so perhaps it was. I’m sure they noticed me but probably thought that anyone that clumsy and nearsighted couldn’t possibly be a threat.

I never made that mistake again — at least not in that particular environment.

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A few years later, though, I tried to disguise my increasing disabilities caused by multiple sclerosis (MS) and probably looked just as foolish while doing so. I’m not sure if I was trying to hide my symptoms from others or myself, but either way, it didn’t work. No disguise, no matter how clever I believed it to be, helped. In fact, it just made things “3x” worse.

My MS symptoms began with foot drop, which caused fatigue and a noticeable limp. I told myself and anyone else who noticed that my limp was from an old ankle injury and the fatigue was from overcompensating for it. At the time, I probably knew better, and I wonder how long I delayed my MS diagnosis by trying to disguise the symptoms. Would it have mattered if I’d known earlier? I suppose I’ll never know, because instead of finding out, I attempted to use a flimsy disguise that wasn’t fooling anyone.

Not long after I was diagnosed, my foot drop became more pronounced and I started using a cane to get around. My first one was an Irish shillelagh, because I didn’t want to be seen with a medical-looking cane. It turned out that the medical-looking ones were specially designed as practical walking aids, while my shillelagh was made to hit people. That particular opportunity never arose, and my cool cane just turned out to be another weak disguise.

As I progressed to a rollator and eventually a wheelchair, I told myself that they were temporary measures until I got better. I think I even told the therapist who was fitting my rollator that we didn’t need to bother because I only planned to use it when absolutely necessary. These weren’t his exact words, but he implied that using an ill-fitting mobility device was akin to trying to walk around wearing reading glasses with high magnification. I can only imagine I wasn’t the first person he’d encountered who used that line to mask reality.

For the most part, I’ve given up on trying to hide my true state. The exception is that I still respond with “I’m fine” when people ask me how I’m doing. That might seem like a thin disguise, especially when it’s obvious that I’m not fine.

Does it really count as a disguise though? The truth is that most of the time, I am fine, at least to me. If I wear glasses every day instead of only when I’m trying (unsuccessfully) to be sneaky, they cease to be a prop and become a part of my normal persona. I’m not giving up; I’m just not hiding the fight anymore, and I think I’m happier because of it.

I suppose this column would’ve been more appropriate for publication on April 1 instead of two days later, but not to worry. The story I told at the beginning is not the most foolish thing I’ve done in my life. In fact, it probably doesn’t even make the Top 10, so I won’t run out of material anytime soon.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.