Silver Linings - a Column by Jennifer Powell

It is hard to watch the decline in real time. It happens before my very eyes. Like “Groundhog Day,” I wake, I try, and I do. I persevere because that is who I am. I push past the chaos in my body. I don’t see every new pain as…

As the music started, the crowd stood and cheered. I followed suit. Well, almost. I stood with more intention than balance. And as I did, I veered toward the person seated in the next row. Hello, secondary progressive MS. Two years ago, I went to see Paul McCartney at Dodger…

Pain is the consummate four-letter word. I have felt pain in the most primal of ways. The emotional chasm of grief in my soul. The physical torture of pain in my body. Pain is unyielding in its relentless torment. It remains the quagmire I fail to solve. Life with…

I watch my multiple sclerosis progress. I see it progress in moments of defeat. I think of it when I fall. I curse it when I break or can’t open things. I grieve over it when my body fails me. I watch as my independence slips away like…

The light of the television screen illuminates the darkness. I want so much to sleep, but my body has other plans. After a hot shower and multiple medications, my legs continue to dance. The constant ache, twitch, and kick are a rhythmic routine. But my body is tired and…

To the person who left the note on my windshield: I wish you would have asked. I would have told you that I have secondary progressive multiple sclerosis, a neurological disease that impairs my ability to walk. My MS has worsened over time and will continue to progress. I can’t…

“Change is the only constant in life,” a quote paraphrased from Greek philosopher Heraclitus states. This ancient wisdom still prevails today. Life is in a constant flux. We evolve, we grow, and we shift, and we are never the same. When I suffer, I cling to this knowledge. And…

I sit amid the flood of carpet stain remover. My left leg is elongated as my right leg is at a jackknife. The cool of the fluid penetrates my sweats. Shock dissipates into pain. I try to move, but pain sears down toward my tailbone. I sit in the dark…

I feared becoming disabled more than I feared multiple sclerosis. At the time of my diagnosis, I was moving about well enough. My mobility changed as my disease progressed. My severe foot drop, unsteady gait, and change in speech were impossible to ignore. My prejudice toward the disabled was…

Before turning away, I made sure to compliment my kind eyes. The green of the hazel in my eyes danced in the sunlight. The lines at the outer edges of my eyes tightened as I smiled. The crow’s-feet are an indelible reminder of the abundance of joy in my…

Summertime is synonymous with long days of warmth, coastal sunsets, boating, and barbecues. A montage of my teenage self at sailing camp, pool parties, and beach bonfires plays to Loggins and Messina, Jackson Browne, and the Eagles. The unrequited crushes on sailing instructors to my first kiss … those…

Has anyone ever told you to be thankful that things aren’t worse after you’ve received upsetting news? Have you ever felt pressured by others to be grateful, even in the most difficult circumstances? It’s happened to me more times than I can remember. I now understand…

I find peace at 36,000 feet. Quasi-calm. My surroundings and I move in unison with little friction. The hum of the Boeing 737 lulls me to sleep. Tranquility is a powerful provocateur when turbulence is your norm, a juxtaposition to the bed of billowy clouds below. As if…

Life is composed of little awakenings. These epiphanies broaden our horizons. Each invites us to become better versions of ourselves. And while not always welcome, most are necessary for growth. I recently flew across the country to the corporate office of BioNews, the company I work for that…

I am the unlikeliest of warriors. Being called one makes me a little uncomfortable. While I appreciate the sentiment, I feel unworthy of the title. A warrior chooses to battle independent of circumstance. I do so because it is my only option. Multiple sclerosis calls me to fight. Perhaps in…

She held me in a fierce hug. It had been a year since I had held my mother so closely. I rested my chin on her shoulder and silently thanked God. As I looked up, my eyes met hers. I knew what question was coming, along with the weight of…

Many believe pain and suffering are interchangeable. While they can and often do coexist, one is not reliant on the other. Pain can occur with or without suffering, and the inverse is true. Physiological, psychological, and psychosocial factors influence our experience with each. The meanings and relationships of these three…

I am an optimist in a pessimistic world. A fish out of water. I hold hope to ward off messages of defeat. In a world rife with suffering, hope is essential for soul survival. In my world with secondary progressive multiple sclerosis, it has been my saving grace.

Expectations equal resentment. It’s simple logic, yet profoundly true. Each time I set an expectation for myself or someone else, I set myself up for a potential letdown. Resentment happens as a byproduct of disappointment, despite the best intentions. As my MS symptoms grow in number and severity, I am…

I failed the complaint challenge. The goal was to go 24 hours without complaining — no complaining about anything. Yet while the objective is commendable, a win is nearly impossible. I’m not much of a complainer, and I still fell short. I’d venture to say that many others would, too,…

I am uncomfortable amid ambiguity and unknowns. I find myself searching for rationale when, at times, none exists. I crave clarity yet mostly exist amid the fogginess of MS. I live this way literally and figuratively. My lack of clarity grows with the wait for the COVID-19 vaccine. When I…

Rare – adjective Not occurring very often; uncommon Unusually good or remarkable On Feb. 28, the world will celebrate international Rare Disease Day. A rare disease is one that affects fewer than 200,000 people in the U.S. Almost 7,000 rare or orphan diseases meet the criteria to be considered…

Bravado is lost in the blink of an eye. Self-doubt erodes certitude until we find that our default modus operandi is to refuse. Opportunities, happiness, possibilities, and growth seem to pass. This no-risk mentality brings no reward. Chronic illness is a breeding ground for skepticism. We live in a world…

Optimism is kryptonite to the fear and doubt I keep inside. I am grateful for my cheerful disposition because it allows me to maintain balance. But balance is not healing. Left alone, those feelings that I fear ultimately fester. I tend to push aside sadness or frustration. I…

Almost every characteristic of multiple sclerosis differs for each of us who has the disease. While we share commonalities inherent to multiple sclerosis that make us similar to one another, much about the way our disease manifests is unique. This is why MS is sometimes referred to as the “…

There is something poetic about transitioning to a new year. It’s the melancholy of farewell fused with hopeful expectancy, the bittersweet juxtaposition of closing one door while opening another. Yet for a moment, I am noncommittal. With one foot in each year, I eventually shift my weight from 2020…

If I were using a wheelchair, would you question why I use a handicapped placard? Perhaps some (or all) of the condemnation I now receive would diminish. Maybe the notes left on my windshield would not be written. Perchance, it might temper some of the ugly comments spoken to my…

The holiday season has always been a time of reflection. The year passes by in a montage of memories. I am reminded of the past 11 months. The highs and the lows. My hopes and my aspirations. Those lives that have been lost and those that have just begun.

Overachieving is my jam. Go big or go home. I strive to be the best at whatever it is I do. Currently, I am achieving greatness in my ability to fall. Three falls in three weeks is a new record. The first one happened in the kitchen. Upon feeling myself…

I have been living in the land of Netflix. It went from a place I would visit from time to time to a home away from home. In between life’s moments, I find myself teleported to the land of escape. I become lost amid the complexity of characters and the…