Santa Is Not Comin’ to Town!

This is the fifth year I’m writing a Christmastime missive about how my MS journey as Santa is going since the disease mortally attacked my immune system.

The trouble was that it took doctors ages to work out my diagnosis. Being Santa Claus, no MRI machine could take my weight. My body was too dense to even attempt a lumbar puncture. Needles just can’t puncture my skin — neither can bullets, by the way, though it’s not a concern given the speed I move at. So, the diagnosis took ages!

Also, the only disease-modifying therapies that work for me are those I can swallow. So, I’ve been downing Gilenya (fingolimod) in vast quantities. It’s impossible to calculate a safe and useful dosage for Santa.

The worse trouble is that the older you are at disease onset, the more likely it is that your MS will be aggressive. That doesn’t bode well when you’re about 1,741 years old!

Recommended Reading

November 17, 2020 Columns by Jessie Ace

How to Survive the End of the Year When You Have MS

Don’t panic, I may not be venturing out of my palace of ice (which, admittedly, is also in trouble) this year, but the delightful Mrs. Claus will be. The upside is that she’s actually normally proportioned, so she can slip into your house/flat/shack/igloo so much easier. She doesn’t have to use anywhere near as much Christmas magic as I do!

Actually, it’s Ms. Claus these days — I can’t keep up with all of the social changes in the Western part of the world! But because the majority of the people that sort of believe in me live there, I think I have to. Anyway, my wife keeps up with the times, so I certainly mucked in on half the chores around here — that is, until I got MS and everything returned to the old normal. Could it be sort of an upside? It’s a tad drastic move, though.

There sure were a lot of chores, and I always collapsed into hibernation after the whirlwind of Christmas deliveries, breaking all of Mr. Einstein’s theories about macrophysics. I have no idea how we do it every year. That’s magic for you! The reindeer who do all the work are especially donnered and blitzened. They sleep for months longer than even I do.

The only trouble this year is that the wonderful Ms. Claus will be knocked out by the herculean task of delivering all those presents. It’s truly Herculean, as in the early days, when he survived as a demigod, he came along for the ride once. He collapsed halfway round. Luckily, I hadn’t put on all my Christmas weight yet. Whisky and cookies had not been invented!

So, I’ll not only miss Ms. Claus terribly, but I’ll also have to rely on the elves to get me up every morning and physically drag me out of bed. They are willing but overexuberant workers with a penchant for practical jokes. Still, if they drop me on the floor, I’m some weight to pick back up. Perhaps not the density of a neutron star, but I’m getting there. Time moves slowly around me. The floors I walk on have to be manufactured from neutron material and an awful lot of magic.

My wife doesn’t want to spoil her figure, so she’ll be bringing snacks and booze for me to feast on on Christmas Day. That will cheer me up, as I’ll be spending the holiday on my own, but at least I’ll get to enjoy Christmas for the first time ever. It will be just Santa and his elves.

Still, that’s exactly how Ms. Claus has had to do it for some 1,700 years. Yes, we met when I, St. Nicholas, saved three young sisters from a life of slavery (or worse) by giving their father a dowry for each so that they could be married. True, I saved on one dowry by marrying one of the sisters myself.

Before any Roman Catholics get upset, priests could marry in those days. True, the first canon about it was in 304 A.D., but it wasn’t until the 11th century that Pope Gregory VII really banned clerical marriages. And by then, it was far too late, especially as the delightful Ms. Claus and I had become demigods ourselves.

Speaking of which, human drugs haven’t cut it. There must be a magical cure out there. Maybe I could manage one last quest while the wife is sleeping. If I make it back, I’ll report next year.

***

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.