With multiple sclerosis, you don’t get to choose the ladder you climb

I’ve always tried to climb every ladder I’ve encountered throughout my career and life in general. In the military, there were nearly unlimited “ladders” to attempt, if you wanted to. My choices led me to multiple new ones, and while I may have started several rungs up at times, I never started at the top.

Starting at the bottom was expected when I joined the military. After that, I could have stayed on the same ladder and kept climbing, but I didn’t. I’d pursue a new ladder, and the people above me made sure I knew I was at the bottom again. I’d have my head held high and receive congratulations one day, only to start a new phase the next as a barely sentient life form who ought to feel lucky to be there.

I never knew that climbing all those ladders was preparing me for life with multiple sclerosis (MS). What I do know is that I didn’t choose to, or ever want to, climb this ladder, and I’ve never felt lucky to be here.

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There’s always a new ladder to climb

When I was diagnosed in 2014, it felt like starting at the bottom of a new climb, because I didn’t know much of anything about the disease. When I’d learned what I thought was everything I needed to know about MS and my symptoms, I figured I had made it to the top of that particular ladder. Maybe I did, but if so, it was because I didn’t think I’d ever have any new or worsening issues.

Finding out that I could — and regularly did — experience changes in symptoms was a rude awakening. That first new ladder was the most disheartening and depressing. It didn’t help that, between MS and my attitude toward it, I was barely clinging to the first rung.

Meeting new healthcare providers also feels like an unwanted beginning. To date, I’ve had three neurologists and have seen numerous other specialists and physical therapists. Describing my symptoms and history to each one can feel like starting over.

New or worsening mobility issues usually require me to start from scratch, as well. I quickly climbed the cane ladder just to start from the bottom on the rollator one, and am currently somewhere in the middle of the power wheelchair one. Once I can no longer drive with my one semi-functional hand, I suppose I’ll have to start climbing a new ladder. Unfortunately, all my experience doesn’t make adapting to a new climb any easier.

However, I’m not alone in grasping at each rung. There are people in my life who didn’t choose this either, but they stand beside me anyway. I should do a better job of remembering that when I’m tempted to snap at them for encouraging me when I don’t feel very courageous or for giving me a helpful push now and then.

There are also those climbing similar ladders who reach down to extend a helping hand by sharing advice and their experiences. I can’t explain how grateful I am for those individuals, who have inspired me to do the same for others.

Note: Multiple Sclerosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Multiple Sclerosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to multiple sclerosis.