I had a busy weekend. I made it to an event I had so wanted to attend and survived it. Our golden retriever rescue had a volunteer mixer, and both Abby and I enjoyed ourselves. Once home, Abby sacked out and I began nursing the inevitable pain. The…
I am in a funk. It took a lot of mental volleying to admit this. I am preconditioned to synonymize feeling down with weakness. This is simply untrue. I am strong. But I am also having a difficult time managing my disease. Both can be true. In my transparency, I…
I like to keep my life as normal as possible. This can be difficult given the physical challenges multiple sclerosis and chronic pain pose. Nevertheless, I try. Saturday was one of those days. I mistakenly assumed I could tackle Costco — the Goliath to my David. Hence, I must…
I have a hard time asking for help. Even when it’s offered, my knee-jerk reaction is to decline. Only in desperation do I reach out for, or accept, much-needed assistance. I say I am OK more often than I am. I do things myself more than I should.
I watched the sunrise with dread, my peaceful time disquieted by my own internal chatter. An 80-degree day would soon replace the cool mid-January morning. Not my favorite. I am a creature of conditioning. Pavlov would be proud. The mere sight of the hazy morning sun against the blue…
Not everyone is going to get it. And by “it” I mean our disease and the way it affects our lives. Few understand our limitations or the ramifications of pushing past them. Many people are perplexed when, having witnessed our smiles and strength, they see us suffering. Others…
Today I came back to myself. For two months, I have been encapsulated in a hazy bubble. I could not kick this persistent bronchial condition and began to get frustrated. After three courses of ineffectual antibiotics and inhalers, I had a work-up for pneumonia. Thirty minutes later, I received…
Last updated May 5, 2023 As the year comes to a close, I find myself in a reflective state. This mild nostalgia visits each December and accompanies me into the New Year. I usually honor this slight melancholy by thinking of all that has transpired in a mere 365 days.
Ever since I can remember, my family has had a real Christmas tree. Finding the perfect tree became a magical adventure. We often cut our own, but as I grew older, we would choose one from a local lot. My mom would play traditional Christmas songs while…
In this season of thanks and giving, I have realized the beauty of receiving. I have recognized when to ask for help and how to accept assistance graciously. This has not been my strong suit in the past. I am most at ease with myself when I am of service…
I have always prided myself on my smarts. I excelled in college, where I realized my love for learning. I enjoy conversing with others, and I make a concerted effort to expand my horizons. I have never shied away from an opportunity to make another’s acquaintance. Be it current…
Fall is my favorite season. I love the change in temperature, the falling of amber leaves, trading flip-flops for loafers, the din of football games, and the joy of the holiday season. There is so much to enjoy, yet this particular Sunday I am sick. I have acquired the…
Have you ever seen an iceberg? The prism of packed ice illuminates the surrounding sea. The part you can see is beautiful, yet most of its mass lies beneath the surface. You cannot know what you cannot see. Therefore, your perception is based on what is visible. What…
Some days are hard, while others are still harder. Then there are days that bring you to your knees. I am kneeling. Pain ricochets through my body like a pinball machine on tilt. Flashing lights dance as if to announce the imminent. “Danger, Will Robinson!” I hit…
I do not sleep well. Ever. I have tried a myriad of meditations and medications, yet sleep evades me. It is 2:30 a.m. and infomercials are taking over the airwaves. My knowledge of everything Ginsu knives is overrated. (Pro tip: If you wait until the end they always offer…
I saw my neurologist earlier this week. After my work-up, we sat and discussed how well I manage my multiple sclerosis. How well? No comment. Suffice it to say this disease is a worthy adversary. I have been feeling a little funky since that appointment. I have been looking to…
Having just written about uninvited commentary, I found this gem too awesome not to share. I went to the grocery store in my requisite San Francisco Giants cap and Ray-Ban sunglasses. Upon leaving, I chatted with the checker about the usual inane topics. Knowing my health status, she asked…
Relationships are a quagmire in and of themselves. Throw in a chronic, progressive disease, and you have yourself quite the ride. This ride has excitability, steady inclines, crescendos, fun and free times, steep ravines, and shake-ups. Inevitably, balance is restored. That pretty much sums up my marriage. Let me…
Last week, I flew home from San Francisco. As I walked up the jetway, I moved to the right and held the handrail to allow others to pass. Once in the airport, I proceeded to baggage while showing another passenger where to go. As we parted ways, he looked at…
Today, I tried to run. In my mind, I saw myself running with fluidity. I felt a weightless ability to lift, then cycle each knee and foot in perfect rotation. I felt my foot lift up and off the ground. My drop foot prevailed, and I fell. Other than injured pride…
I can describe myself with a myriad of words: kind, funny, smart, quirky, and stubborn, to name a few. So many words are descriptive of my persona; I almost felt safety among them. Almost. I have always preferred paved road to dirt; my place was to shine the already…
As I pulled into the overcrowded Trader Joe’s parking lot, I was grateful to see an open handicapped space. Once parked, I turned off the car engine and paused; the heat was oppressive. Ten days post-chemo/Solu-Medrol (methylprednisolone) and my fatigue was as thick as the stagnant humidity. I…
I am a self-described homebody. I enjoy social gatherings and getting out, but I always look forward to coming home. Within five minutes of pulling into the garage, I am in sweats and a T-shirt. My demeanor immediately softens. Home is familiar, and in familiarity I find safety. Sometimes, safety…
I am a hot mess. No, really, I am a hot, sweaty, gel-pack-laden mess. My AC kicked it three hours ago, three hours before Orange County hit a record 112 degrees Fahrenheit. Mother Nature is drunk. And I am getting warmer. Heat is kryptonite to anyone with multiple sclerosis…
How do you manage stress when you are stressed? How do you avoid letting stress dominate not only your mind but also your physical being? I wish I knew. At my first clinic following my MS diagnosis, the doctor warned me about stress and its effect on MS. I…
Last month, I challenged myself to conquer Whole30: 30 days of no gluten, grain, dairy, sugar, or sulfites. Forty days later, I am proud to say I not only survived, I thrived. I am still thriving. Friends have long been touting the merits of adopting a synonymous eating plan.
With the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I feel called upon to write about something many of us are all too familiar with: depression. While these high-profile deaths made the headlines, thousands of others took their own lives during that same seven-day period. Depression is…
I just saw a couple of “golden tumbleweeds” swirl past my feet. My attempts at keeping a clean house are no match for Abby’s ever-falling golden locks, and I am OK with that. There was a time when those two balls of hair would have elicited profound anxiety. The anxiety…
Yesterday, the clerk at the grocery store asked how I was feeling. Having known her for 15 years, I glanced at her over the rim of my sunglasses and we shared a knowing laugh before moving onto inane topics. She knew exactly how I was feeling without my saying a…
Awareness is, at times, barely imperceptible, a quiet conviction that lies within. As with most truths, they are self-evident long before we decide to own them. And when we do, it is as if we have opened our eyes for the first time. My eyes are open. Living with progressive…
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